Memories

I was smiling to myself the other day at Rite Aid while paying for my purchases. The lady that works at this particular Rite Aid is about as enthusiastic as a walking corpse, the way she goes about heading to the register, to telling me my total and bagging my purchases shows she is either on lithium or she surely does not like society as a whole. Whatever the problem is it reminded me of a co-worker I had a long time ago at an upscale office supply store called J.K. Gill. He was tall and lanky and flamboyant as hell. He was gay but that was not the only thing that made him flamboyant, it was however, a contributing factor to his moodiness and attitude. He walked like a diva and would very often be caught turning his nose up at anyone he found less than appropriate for his very presence. It only added fuel to his fire that there was a hair salon full of gay hair dressers across from us to make him even bitchier. They walked through our store from the parking lot to get to their salon and he would always be heard making some off remark to them. It was hilarious. At any rate, he had this habit of also treating the customers like maggots while he rang up their purchases and when he would be done, he'd tell them their total but just softly enough where they could not quite hear him. He'd say "that'll be one million dollars and 5 cents." Then they'd look at him or up at his tall unassuming face and ask "I'm sorry...?" And he'd say, "Oh yes I know, $10.55 please." I almost left Rite Aid laughing but I did not want to look crazy. LOL

Cooking

Cooking is the bane of my existence. That has a double meaning for me. Because as a woman you are expected to come equipped with this ability to cook. I suck in the kitchen. I am good at spreading peanut butter and rice cookers. Things that are straight forward, but give me a recipe and a few mixing bowls, pans and preheating instructions and I melt down. I feel the sweat beading up on my brow and my hands shake, I have a hard time swallowing and feel completely useless. I can do just about anything else without feeling so incredibly sickened and stupid. It must be a subconscious reaction to other deep seated fears or some repressed memory because it just does not make sense.

It's funny but it's not and sometimes when I am in the kitchen I remember foods my parents cooked when we were kids that they never made after we got older and never make now. It's like they buried the food like some old memories they chose to forget.

Selling in this Economy

It seems people were plentiful at Michael's today. It was crowded and the cashiers were all called to their cash registers at one point. By the time I got up to the cash registers they were not as crowded but I was glad to get out of there as people were being a bit aggressive. I don't mind shopping in a crowd but when people can't give you a minute to browse an area of an aisle without impatiently huffing and puffing nearby as they wait their turn instead of browsing elsewhere it gets annoying. Anyways I felt overwhelmed by all the holiday stuff... but apparently sales are not suffering very much because traffic in the major mall area near where I live was heavy and it was just 2pm when I headed back home. I got some good ideas for gifts for my son for Christmas and his birthday though so I am looking forward to that particularly because it won't anything his overzealous grandmother won't think of getting him. We've had issues with her beating us to the punch - she wants to be the only one who gets him what he wants.... even my ex's mother-in-law has been frustrated that she cannot get my son anything she hasn't already gone out and gotten for him and even when she knows you want to get it for him she still goes out and buys it herself. She may mean well but it's inconsiderate.

At any rate, I am also looking forward to splurging on myself this year for my birthday. A possible trip to Vegas or elseswhere, NYC for New Years Eve possibly - that would be great!

Reality and stuff

I am amused at the cartoon version reality television shows (i.e. Total Drama Action). They are much like the "live" counterparts. They have all the insidious behavior; cheating, gossip, sabotage and mayhem as the real deal. I just find it disturbing that this starts at the cartoon level. Then I think, it's probably tame compared to some of the total drama kids see at home anyways, right? At least from what I hear on the news, it does not get much better.

Truly though television has none of the family and moral values you want your kids to absorb in almost any sense, cartoon or otherwise. The news is rampant with reporting for sensationalism so what can reality television do to compete with the real news, sensationalize, dramatize and glorify people behaving terribly in a controlled environment. The key word being controlled. This means that who knows what will happen with these people that are capable of such deeds on national television let alone left to their own devices. As we saw with the famous "balloon" incident.

All that said, I am not into reality shows ... I don't even watch Dancing with the Stars or SYTYCD or spelled out So You Think You Can Dance or American Idol. People leave me staggered at the information they know about stars but probably don't know as much about people in their own families, their kids, parents, siblings, aunts or uncles. How have we come to develop such wonderfully in depth relationships with characters on television yet leave the ones that matter neglected. I recommend reading Fahrenheit 451 .... we're not far from heading into the fictionalized version of that dark and dreary world described by Ray Bradbury.

Nonetheless, the root of why I don't enjoy those show is two-fold. One, it's too much like the drama that goes on at work without any help, and two, it's sometimes the viewers of these shows, much like serial copycats, who take what they view and realize it at work. I am sure that rumors and drama are conjured up by people with idle minds but coupled with the idea generating T.V. programming, it can only get worse.

Wow

I can't believe how long it's been since I blogged. More than two months ago!!! Well I was really living the letting go blog. Blogging after all is a good bit about issues we are trying to work through and sharing of personal and sometimes trivial information. I try not to give up too much personal information on here but you lose a sense of closeness with people when you do not open up.

I have spent a lot of alone time lately just figuring myself out and I have come to the conclusion that I have not stayed or gotten involved in a lot of things due to silly fears. I need to stop worrying about things that may not happen.

We are all in a position that requires good money management but sometimes I avoid going anywhere because I fear I will get in a car accident or put too much wear and tear on my car or waste gas I need for the following week. This fear is based on the I can't afford to have that happen.

My other fear is not irrational but since I am single and quite independent and spend a lot of alone time doing things like walking, running or shopping. I worry I will end up like other women listed as missing because some nut case whacked them over the head while they were running down some nature trail.

There are many more I can possibly list but at any rate, I just need to live and stop worrying about how I might end up.