Revelations of my own

This weekend was a sort of seclusion, recluse, introspective weekend. I had a lot on my mind.  I realize I am carrying stress and not finding an outlet is starting to backlash.  In more ways than one.  I am starting to come unglued somehow ... mostly in the sense that the tension is wreaking havoc on my spinal column.  The x-rays from the chiropractor reveal twisting of my neck vertabrae and some bone spurs.  I could easily spiral into a pretzel at some point.  I can feel the pain of this "subflexation". My head has pressure on it in every direction. It feels like someone is trying to take my skull out and leave the flesh around my brain.  It sort of feels like I am being being squeezed at the temples really.  It sucks.  It hurts and it costs money. Ugh.  I am going to bite the bullet and just do as many chiropractic adjustments as I can.

Between my own stressors, learning of a cousin's death and feeling helpless at not being able to be there for my sister who is going through her own personal pain, as well as my brother,  I am just feeling like I am falling apart at the seams.  I realized it yesterday more than anything when I talked to my mom on the phone. I felt like a I just wanted to cry and I could not really say what was on my mind.  But mom's they know.  She said everything I was feeling and everything I could not say that was wrong with everything right now.  It's like she's reading my thoughts. Those mom's they really know how to get under your skin and in your head.  Anyways, I just came to realize I really do appreciate that I don't have to say anything with her sometimes for her to know that she knows that just under the surface I am struggling with things I can't really talk about and it's good to have someone like that.  I never really understood that because I never really open up to anyone and don't very much care to about details, but with my mom, it's almost like I don't even have to for her to know what's going on.  I appreciate that.  Funny thing is, she always felt I've never opened up and let her in.  I don't really have to ...I mean she's pretty much living in my head.  The only thing missing is a bed and a fridge.  I still need my space you know.

All that to sum it up... with this.  My mom's always been big on yoga, chiropractic care and crying.  Yesterday, she said, don't worry about the money, just take care of your health and just call and cry on the phone if that's what you need. Sometimes crying it out is all you need.  I used to think I could not recall much from my childhood but I always remember my mom doing yoga in the living room and encouraging us to join her.  I wish I had appreciated that more now and actually tried to join her doing those yoga moves as young as 7 years old.  I would be so supple and bendy by now, you would be able to call me Gumby.  Sigh for lost opportunities but yay for never too late. Right?

Everything and Death

I called in sick today.  My heart is heavy and I still feel like crap.  Now it's because I have terrible stiff neck and upper back pain. I've consulted a chiropractor but we'll see how that goes, because apparently my insurance has strict requirements that must be met to qualify for the treatment.  Apparently, I have to be crawling around on my hand and knees in pain. I am not in that much pain but it makes it hard to concentrate and the pain radiates to my chest shoulder and head which wears me out.  I am bitchy and frustrated from feeling like I can't sit, stand or lay comfortably and I can't sleep well.

One of my cousins died.  Unfortunately, he was an alcoholic just like my uncle; his father.  My cousin had been deported back to Mexico for never finishing acquiring documentation and died alone somewhere in Mexico, where he rented a room from an elderly woman.  They found him reclined on his bed as if sleeping. Apparently the alcohol took its toll.

I have not seen him since I was about 12 or a bit older.  But I remember hanging out with all my cousins and I do love them all even if we lead very different lives.  I found out yesterday he'd passed and I cried on the phone while my mother tried to console me.  He was only 45 or so.  The last time someone passed I found out the day they were being buried because my mom did not have he heart to tell me my cousin was dying of stomach cancer.  It went through him in 2 months.  My mother told me after the funeral.  That was hard to take in all in one day. At least with this cousin, I half way knew he'd lived a harsh, alcoholic's life, just like his father but it still does not make it that much easier.

I also found out another one of my cousins is going through a divorce. Her husband decidedly after many years of marriage has found someone else and is leaving her for another woman. He'd had promised that now that the kids were all grown up that they'd have time to do things alone, just the two of them... I guess he found her replacement. Bastard.

Exercise and stuff

I am working on getting back into my routine again. I just ran 1.50 miles and walked 1 mile.  It's not easy trying to build back up to where you left off. I was getting good at hitting the 3 mile mark and now I am huffing and puffing at 1.5 miles LOL. Oh well better than not doing anything, I say.

I think the whole lymph node issue is behind me now.  No pun intended since it was the lymph nodes behind my head that were bothering me. Now I have a tender spot on my neck but I think it's nerve or a vertebrae that is out of whack.  One thing after another. I totally need a chiropractic adjustment. I am always crooked. One leg is always shorter than the other whenever I go to get adjusted.  The one thing I hate about the chiropractor is they always want to sign you up for indefinite visits. I can't afford that but luckily I get 20 visits a year with my current health insurance. I should hurry up and use them before they take that fringe benefit away. Sigh.

It's getting stormy again. This weather is so everywhere.  Hot, humid, rainy, windy, stormy with lightning and thunder. Ahhhhh! Annoying. LOL The power went out earlier but luckily it was just for a less than 5 minutes. I was afraid the A/C would be off too long and leave my place steamy and humid. That would suck.

I've not been in the mood to blog, tweet or anything so I have been avoiding writing here.  Things back home are not right and it's making me lose my focus.  Sucks.

Alternate Reality

I feel like I am in an alternate reality today.  It felt like Friday night last night and today felt like Monday all day long. I think these swollen lymph nodes have me all mixed up. My head feels like it's in a fog.

I went to the doctor today and had blood drawn to test for mono ... some of my symptoms are those of mono "the kissing disease"... it came up negative.  The doctor also order a CBC test to check my white blood count. I never heard from her today maybe she'll call tomorrow to tell me the news.  I figure she thinks it's a bacterial infection since she prescribed some monstrous sized antibiotics I have to take two at a time.  The only miscommunication with the prescription is the NP told me to take them without food but the pharmacist insisted I take them with food. I listened to the pharmacist. I hate get nauseated and vomiting... can you blame me?

No, I did not think so.

Anyways, I have not worked out or done yoga in more than a week but it's not been only because of the lymph nodes that swell and hurt like my head is teething through my scalp.  Now I understand why babies whine and cry when their teeth are coming in. Geez this hurts. It feels like I am growing horns on the back of my head and they are trying to break through my scalp.

That made me think of those kids/people that get horns inserted in their head on purpose.  What could possible possess someone to do that is beyond my rationale. I mean a tattoo seems painful enough but then actually drilling holes in your skull to attach horns is sick.  Very sick.

Anyways I should be relaxing I suppose.  I wonder if I feel better in the next two days should I try to start working out or maybe even go running. I know someone ... like my mom will chew me out if I do though or some of my friends that would see my #RunKeeper app update my Facebook status with my run stats. They'd so call me on it and be like but you have swollen lymph nodes ... so it's not like my feet are broken right?  We'll see I suppose. I am feeling lazy and fatigued so it may not be something I do anyways.