I went back to an old post and realized I still sometimes feel like the last few lines of that blog post. I sometimes don't feel like a mom and looking at my son I sometimes don't understand why I was given a child like him. I always hear how God only gives you as much as you can handle and at times I wonder if he was looking for someone to challenge LOL. Really... I look at my son and wonder sometimes, not that I'd ever leave him, if he would be better off without me. I guess every parent feels inadequate but I feel it 10 times as much because of his special needs. I find myself wondering how parents of multiple special needs kids do it when I only have one and it sometimes feels insurmountable and other times I think this isn't that bad. I teeter from one extreme to the other at times. I realize it's a stretch sometimes to think my life could be normal where I could meet a guy and date and they'd be okay with my son until his first major meltdown around them. Other times I don't want the intrusion anyways and prefer knowing that it will always be just my son and me toughing it out until I get him through college and help break any dependencies he has that won't let him live a happy successful independent life style.
In the long and short of it, life is too short to deprive myself or dwell on what I can't control. I am mother biologically but I don't say that to sound heartless or cruel. It's just that in reality I feel like I was chosen to provide for and care for an element of God's greater plan. My son. He's not really mine ... I was just the instrument for the greater good or what his life is destined to be. I'm just there to provide a path that guides him where he needs to be and then I just sit back and watch because I think part of being a parent is like growing a Bonsai tree. It's there you just prune and maintain where things get a bit scraggly or grow in the wrong direction.
With that said... visit this great kid's site. He's also an Aspie. http://aspiebrit.blogspot.com/
