Oddities

Do you ever read something and wonder how someone could do something or not do something.  I just read the following at this site: Free Will Astrology.  I really like his horoscopes.

Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us, agrees. Raised as a boy, she later became a woman, but ultimately renounced gender altogether. "I love being without an identity," she says. "It gives me a lot of room to play around."

I was a bit perplexed about this. I could understand feeling like you were raised the wrong sex or knowing that you were one thing more than another but to choose to be neither seems so far fetched to me.  

Perhaps I just need to open up my mind a bit.  I guess I am wondering how certain things would work for this person.... like sex or choosing a job and then showing up for work one day as a man, then next a woman or something that is quite androgynous and then confuse the heck out of their boss/co-workers.

It does make you consider the freedom this could afford you and the anonymity at times.  Go in to the grocery store one day as a man, next as a woman and people would not know you or think they met your brother previously.  I think I have one of those faces that if I had the right hair cut and wardrobe I could pass for a man around the face except that I have too much curvy going on for me .... that would be a dead give away.

This makes me wonder what my son will think as he gets older and how as a child with autism things like sexuality will affect him when he becomes a young man.  I worry about too much too soon but I am just thinking is this going to just be instinctual to him or will he at some point just get it and it will all click.

There are so many subtle things that lurk everywhere, in people's behavior, comments, and activities that are even difficult for normal people to discern.  I can just imagine or not how the world must seem to kids with autism that don't see the grey areas of the world, just black and white.  It's like being in a foreign country where people use idioms in their language all day long and you have to try to reconcile them with what the reality of the world around you is actually saying.

We are very odd really when you think about it.

On getting help...

The phrase, God helps those who help themselves rings true in other situations to me.  For instance, if you ask for help it behooves you to bust your booty to work along side those that are helping you so that their efforts are not fruitless.

I was invited / asked to assist in packing for a friend's move so I showed up with a few boxes and my eagerness to help make a dent in the workload.  The person I was helping was a former co-worker. Along with other co-workers, we all worked hard to pack / load up her belongings as she was suffering from hip pain and is scheduled for hip replacement surgery.  She, of course could do little to help.  However, her live-in son did very little.  I immediately noticed, not only did he just stare at me when I first got there, but he never made an attempt to introduce himself, or even ask who I was, but worse was the fact that I did not see him pack a single thing and he never even said thank you. 

If I were moving and requested help from friends or was blessed enough to have friends come help me without having to ask I would be doing as much as I could to make them feel welcomed, comfortable and bust my ass right along with them to really get things done.  I would, however, have a hard time accepting help so I'd probably never ask for help.

Maybe I am being judgmental because I've seen my share of men who just take but don't give and show no gratitude that I feel this must be the case with all of them.  There was a lot that could have been packed but it seemed like her son was more concerned with our not packing his TV or his internet access equipment.  I am sure we were interrupting valuable football watching time. 

Things that I did enjoy while helping pack were seeing familiar Catholic items. I packed them for my friend.  She had holy water, rosaries, crucifixes and a few bibles.  I just felt like these things had to be packed with care.  I almost used the Sharpie to write on the box, "Fragile, Jesus is in this box."  But I am sure he's not really fragile or he would not have died for us.

The more I try...

Sometimes the more I try to find time for what I want to do the more I run out of time.  I am sure this happens to everyone. Murphy's Law.  Just like at work, when I need to leave early to get my son from the bus, everyone wants or needs me for something.  The weeks I don't, I don't hear half a peep from those people who were riding me the days prior. 

I keep trying to find time to work out but I'm either way too tired, my son is sick, it's raining, I'm not in the mood, or I am too sore from my last work out.  I've been called an overachiever at times and I do realize I push myself too hard for too long sometimes, but if I was not that way where would I be, right?

Being myself is important to me.  I am a Type A personality.  I need it done yesterday and I want to be their hours ago.  But I have to put myself in check often.  Especially when it comes to my son. 

My son has been drawing a lot lately and wants to share every detail about what he's drawn.  Every character name, color used, weapon drawn, story behind the action on the page is important and really I don't know that any of these details help me understand the storyline any better but it sure makes me realize that my son needs me to be front and center no matter what he is saying.  He really values what I think otherwise he would not share this with me.  That is worth putting off doing the laundry, dishes, cleaning or even showering.  I can stink to high heaven and I'd make his question or his need for sharing my priority.  Sometimes I am not patient but I always value what he wants to say to me or what he has an interest in.  It may not be what I want for him or hoped he'd do but it's what makes him happy ultimately.

I just asked him to draw a PowerPuff girl and he laughed at me. Glad I can make him laugh. He's got the cutest laugh and smile.

Hot Flash

I am laughing at myself but also thinking "how awkward!"  I think I had my first public hot flash.  With the weather cooling down there is no reason that a short walk to a social function at work would make me hot.  Where I work it requires walking out doors to get to some buildings.  I've had hot flashes at night in my sleep before.  My doctor calls it peri-menopause.  The beginning of what leads to the road to menopause at some point in the next 10+ years.  Anyways, without really getting into my age or whatever, I started to sweat like a pig at this going away part for a co-worker.

At this point I wanted some solace.  I really needed to find somewhere to relieve this but I was talking to another co-worker that kept creeping closer to me. You know the type... the ones who can't back off when they talk to you.  They stare at your face and leave just enough room between your bodies to make you want to shove a big object between you to create more space.  I felt like I could not breathe and just when I thought the conversation would end or go in a different direction when someone else walked up she would steer the conversation back to her area of interest and keep getting closer.  She asked if I was okay so I said I may be having a hot flash as it was obvious I was starting to sweat. I felt sweat going down my back and butt... I did not want to leave since I was just hot not uncomfortable.  However, she kept asking if I was okay so I wanted to get away from her to draw less attention to my perspiration.  It was annoying after a bit.  As I exited the room more people started to try to talk to me so I smiled and sauntered out.  I was like oh GOD get me out of here. I have never had that experience but this time I felt like I was completely melting.  I only sweat like that when I run ... my hair was damp at my scalp and temples ... it was very weird but funny at the same time because I felt like "this can't be happening to me..."  I've been under pressure before and in other social situations so this had nothing to do with being uncomfortable.  I speak in front of large groups and train people so this made me feel a bit out of control.

At any rate, it could be related to this or not but earlier at the tire place I fell asleep waiting for my car to be worked on.  It was funny because their couch is super comfy and I ended up dozing off just when the mechanic came to tell me what they needed to do. I awoke to a mechanic calling my name and looking a bit worried I was not going to wake up.  Funny thing too was that I went to the restroom when they came to tell me my car was ready.  They must have thought ... "what an old lady!" Falling asleep on the couch and now she's in the ladies room!"  There was actually an old lady sitting near me on another couch and she was wide awake.

I must be doing too much or something or just aging :). Tonight after my run I will try to go to bed before midnight.  5AM comes around too soon!

Life Long Learning

I think life long learning is really important.  I think that people sometimes become satisfied with what they have learned or accomplished and refuse to do more or just don't try.  What do you do to keep that spark of curiosity for learning flowing?

Something I keep meaning to do is learn another language. I can speak Spanish, English, and French.  French I speak so-so now because I don't use it much but I downloaded an app on my iPhone that goes through and covers beginner, intermediate and advanced vocabulary, verb conjugation and conversations so it has helped me remember some of it.  When I was in high school I was a foreign exchange student to France.  That was a while ago. It was the summer between my junior and senior year of HS.  I could have opted to go for a full year but I was a chicken and only went for a about 3 1/2 + months in the summer.  The first half was a language study program and the 2nd half was living with a host family.

Initially I was skeptical about really learning French any better than I had through books at school.  By then I had 3 years of French behind me and was going to take another in my senior year.  I would eat those words.  I learned more and came back fluent.  I credit it more to the fact that I spent so much time with the younger brother in the family.  He was 14 and I was 17.  He was not concerned with whether I understood him and he was not trying to help me either.  The rest of the family tried to assist by using hand gestures, English words (they hardly spoke any words in English), or Spanish to communicate.  Not that it helped.  Their Spanish was unlike what I'd grown accustomed to from my parents.  It was too formal and made little sense.

The young boy was always using bad words and jumped from topic to topic but because he was always engaged in some form of activity while we talked the simplicity of those obvious language connections to what he was doing made it so much easier to bridge the gap in anything I may not already know the word for.

I remember those days with mixed feelings.  I liked the experience but living with a different family was a challenge.  The daughter in the family was my age but was quite interested in her academics the whole time I was there and made very little effort to show me the social side of her life.  I did enjoy our outings to view local historical sites though I just wished I'd gotten more of an opportunity to meet her friends and to see what being a teenager was like in France or in her region for that matter.  It was not long til we actually behaved like real siblings. I grew irritated with her brother's antics and she irritated me when she would try to wear her make up like me.  Now looking back I can relate to how my own true sister felt about having a little sister that wanted to be like her.  It must have been miserable for her.

Picture in my office ...

Before I departed back to the states, the young boy in the family developed a crush for me and wrote me a letter and slipped it under the bedroom door.  I read it and was mortified but amused.  He was a like blonde little troll to me.  I was really not sure what to do but I replied letting him know that I felt for him only what a sister feels for a brother.  He was not happy with that reply but I don't really remember now how awkward it was to face him after we passed that note under the door several times over.

In summation, you can learn from various sources even when you least expect it.  I learned I could not tolerate being the object of admiration and imitation for too long.  Also without realizing I had started to think in French, because upon my return in my senior year French class, my French teacher asked me a question in French and without hesitation I replied.  She was beside herself and how fluent I was and thrilled to hear me just reply without hesitation.  

I also learned that my shyness was less and less and speaking in front of large groups was not so hard.  I grew up and matured to some degree on that trip.  It obviously was a unforgettable experience with learning in every which way. Now that I am to a point in my life where I have accomplished many things I really don't feel I am ready to hang up the learning hat.  I may or may not go after a Ph.D. but I'll still learn other things along the way.

Labor Day

The origins of Labor Day are very significant but yet we sometimes overlook the purpose of a holiday even if it is somehow reflected in the name.  I wonder how many, in the far future, will wonder what Sept 11 (though not a national holiday) meant to everyone.  It will be like sci-fi story to some but the beauty of technology that we have will allow many to see and nearly feel the fear of witnessing that situation.  Unlike so many other events that had to be recreated or dramatized this was captured from several angles and perspectives by news cameras, private citizens and security cameras possibly.

Labor Day is almost dwarfed by the magnitude of Sept 11.  I say almost because work, economic and societal values glued our world back together in some way.  We had to move and get back to our usual routines even though that seemed impossible at the time.  Had everyone thing crumbled our lives would be so difficult.  Even though we have economic hard times right now, I think it is interesting to see how we continue to thrive to some extent.

Is it that we are so materially driven that we will work through pain, stress and frustration just to have the things we want?  I don't think so. I think we work through all that because we have people who depend on us and need us to be focused, functioning people.  I am personally grateful to get this day off paid by my employer.  These extra days to regroup make a huge difference for me sometimes.  I love being able to be home with my son.  Most days he's at school all day and I am at work until we can see each other for 5 hours before bed, in which time we squeeze in homework, exercise, video games, showers, reading and cuddling.  It's nice to have long lazy days where we pop popcorn and watch television and giggle at my son's silly antics and live for just a brief while as if we have no cares in the world.

Without labor there would be no electricity, phone, internet, etc services ... the conveniences of air conditioning in our homes and our cars have not come from not having productive jobs so here's to having a purpose and making the world go round.  I hope it matters to someone one day when they look back.

Frustration

Today was a bit annoying at work for several reasons.  I felt like I accomplished nothing.  That feeling is so frustrating.  Every time I would get started on something, another thing would sidetrack me and even though some interruptions were nice, like a lunch break with a co-worker it too created just enough extra delay that my groove in other tasks just dwindled.  I even dreaded the phone ringing at one point so much that I just went to the restroom to escape from it all.

The second most frustrating thing was being asked to do something "now" by my boss.  I was in the middle of dealing with a co-workers question when he called my cell phone.  I am not really annoyed with my boss because he just wanted a report that could have been easily done if I had not already started helping a co-worker but another co-worker walked in to ask something and before I knew it, my boss had returned but had been waiting for me to send him this list where he was before he returned.  I was mostly annoyed that he really did need it like right that minute but I was not just sitting around either so it frustrated me to have to drop everything to do that ... like when I am about to leave and someone asks me to do something and I end up leaving work an hour later than I'd planned. Sometimes you want to shake people by the shoulders ... don't they think you ever take a lunch break or go home or are engaged in something productive already and why can't they extract the same data themselves ... why am I the only one who can do this?

Thirdly, I was frustrated that requests for instructions in one email stream got confused with another and I nearly deleted user accounts because the reply I got was to just delete accounts but I was working in two different systems. Luckily I asked for clarification and even then I had to say "NO open the attachment and let me show you what I want clarification on!" Geez!!! What's a woman got to do to get an answer that makes sense?

It was one of those days that made me realize it was not a good idea to have so much diet coke. Luckily I had no coffee or I would have just run out of the office ... and my son has been a chatter box non stop since I picked him up off the bus.  I feel like I want to switch the world to mute. I did not even turn on the TV when I got home because I was feeling overwhelmed but my son wanted to watch it, yet he keeps jabbering through everything.

I just need a few minutes of solace ... I don't do well when I can't be left alone for at least a good solid hour.    I hope I can wind down enough to fall asleep tonight.  Nights like this can lead to several days of insomnia and total burn out.  When I have this type of response to being around people all day long, it makes me think I could be like my son.