The Story of C ...

Last 5 months of 5th grade

2012-01-23T09:50:00.001-05:00

So we are down to the last 5 months of 5th grade and it's IEP time. I never dread IEP time for some reason. When I hear other parents talking about it or blogging about it, it sounds like it's the end of the world. I just see it like an employer performance review; where you are currently, goals and improvements etc. Nobody is perfect and I imagine no child is and more specifically a challenged child. I see it as guidelines for my son and myself to follow.

I do dread the meltdowns and the questions that ensue from administrators/principals ... I always feel accused, as if like a migraine there was something I fed him that turned him from a sweet Mogwai to a raging Gremlin. I don't always know the answer to this riddle. Some days he won't meltdown over the same issue which days prior set him off like a bottle rocket in July.

What I am dreading most is the change to middle school, new teachers, new bus driver, new friends and possibly a school that may be even further away from where I work. The last big meltdown he had I was pressured to hurry and get there because he could not be contained ... as if he'd become the incredible kid hulk or something. Unfortunately I work an hour from his school so no matter where I move as far as my home goes the drive will not change from work. The further the school, the further and longer my drive will be to come to their rescue when he is tearing his classroom to pieces. I unfortunately, don't own a leer jet. And since his dad does lawn maintenance he seldom hears his phone or is close enough to help.

I was told I would have no say in the school they place him so long as it has the Asperger setting he needs but I refuse to believe this is acceptable. I hope that they place him closer to where I moved which is still 20 minutes + from where I live but much better than an hour. And the school that is further away would put the drive at one and a half hours from where I work. Yea not good.

The only plus to this is that is grandparents are retired and could get out there to get him but if he is in full rage mode they won't be able to control him. He is much too strong for them and as they age it will only get harder. So I hope he has less and less major meltdowns the older he gets because he will eventually be taller than me and his dad and neither of us would be strong enough to contain him.

I guess sometimes fears become larger than life.

Changes & Challenges

2012-01-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

So lately I have been feeling like I am losing my little boy. I guess his complete and total acceptance of sleeping in his own room has been tougher on me than I thought. But this morning he wanted to cuddle with me before we left to meet his school bus. It was bliss. He snuggled up with me and buried his sweet little face in my neck and snored. LOL

His dad came over last Saturday to pick him up to take him to a monster truck jam at the Georgia Dome and he commented as they were getting in his dad's truck how nice it was that he could sit in the front because he's gotten big enough to ride in the front! I said I still thought he was still a bit too young and small given that I have an air bag I can't switch off on the front. His dad said I was in denial. Basically implying that my mommy eyes did not want to see my son was bigger than I wanted him to be.

Truly he's right. My son has gotten to be a lot more independent and I spend less time helping him with things that were an everyday occurrence. I used to have to help him in the bathroom a lot and now I seldom do.

The few remnants of his babyhood are that he still likes sippy cups but I keep pushing regular cups at him ... I know it's a bit weird that he likes sippy cups at 11. He also still fears the dark. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I go check on him. He's got the light on even though he's got a night light. I don't know how to assure him that nothing in the dark is any different with the light on.

Clearly I have missed him a lot not sleeping in my bed. Just yesterday morning I had 3 dreams that each woke me because I kept dreaming he was coming to my bed and crawling into bed with me but when I would open my eyes I'd be alone. The last of the short dreams felt really real and it was still a dream. It was a bit upsetting to me but I think it's a just a mommy phase I guess.

He's clinging to new objects, a notebook he writes things in, it's so cute but he's being very protective of it and does not want me to see it. He even asked where I put it this morning and I said it was in his backpack. I asked what he was writing and he said slogans. I was not sure what he meant but I may take peek just for the sake of being a concerned parent and not just invading his privacy. I don't know how to feel about giving an 11 year old privacy in that area. I can see personal space and privacy when he's dressing, bathing, or using the bathroom, or wants to be alone but things that may be important to understanding what he's going through or learning from friends makes me wonder if I am overstepping a line. Any thoughts?

Ever feel like...

2012-01-09T12:30:00.001-05:00

Ever feel like someone is trying to prevent you from being productive or do the things you want to do?

I got up early Saturday, got a lot of cleaning done and got new wipers on my car, fuel additive so it would stop stalling, headlamp cleaner so I can see in the dark, visited a gym I might join, bought a mop and some bed risers for my son's room and then I trekked down to Ikea and bought a shelf for my son's room.

Ugh, that is where I met my demise. I was doing great until I went to move the boxed shelf into my car. It was not extraordinarily heavy but the cart kept moving and the box was slick and as I pulled it up and into my trunk I felt a wrenching pain along my left hip/buttock. It was as if someone stabbed me if I can even describe it as such since I've never been stabbed but I imagine that has to be what it must feel like. I think I pulled a muscle. It hurts like a serious MF'er. I have been able to walk and do most things but at times I have a hard time bending over to do things like put my pants on or underwear and tie my shoes if required. Seriously! I was sick for next a month and now this! FUCK!

I just want to work out and be productive!! Why must there always be some form of obstacle in my way to those goals! Ugh!

Anyways, it's very frustrating to be incapacitated with pain and to add insult to injury literally this rain is really putting a damper on my desire to stay motivated and productive.

On the brighter side my son has transitioned back to school from the holiday break rather smoothly. Crossing fingers that no send home meltdowns transpire anytime soon. This is the last half of 5th grade and middle school looms in the background along with puberty ... I fear all this change is going to get the best of all of us but I hope and pray it does not.

This and That

2012-01-02T21:57:00.001-05:00

First off I want to thank all the great comments and followers of my blog. I don't have many but I appreciate everyone for taking the time to read my ramblings. Please add your blog URL when you comment because sometimes I cannot tell who is who by first name in relation to your blog name. I really want to read your blogs too but I find myself searching a lot. I have a pretty long list of blogs I like too on the left bottom side but I don't get around to reading them as much as I would like.

I really want to make a better effort of getting more involved with an autism group in my area and/or online. My son as you know is diagnosed with Aspergers and in less than a year will go to middle school; A change I dread with every fiber of my being because of how well he handles change (sarcasm). I need to really find a support group and other parents with kids my son's age so I can create more support systems for him that he can use at school or during other academic activities.

I have been quite random about blogging so I will try to blog and read more blogs whenever possible. I just can't predict how one day will go from the next; work wise, kid wise and my moods at times. I tend to get bored easily so I have to keep myself motivated and attuned to what really matters.

With that said I am once again feeling much better from having been sick with sinusitus and bronchitis. I have started back on my working out and let me tell you I am sore. I did my Ab Ripper work out the other day and well I am feeling it everywhere for some reason plus I have been running a hilly park trail and it is working the glutes! Sore buttocks here!

Worse than being sore is being freakin' cold. This weather is about to kill me. I am originally from California so anything under 75 degrees is cold for me so today's possible low of 28 or lower is like sheer hell. No matter how long I've been in Georgia it never feels like I can get used to the dramatic dips in temp or the extraordinary heat index in the summer. I need an even keel when it comes to weather and temperature. I don't do well with mother nature's mood swings... I have my own to deal with ... thank you very much. :)

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to a productive, happy, and healthy year!

Some down time...

2011-12-20T17:27:00.000-05:00

Finally some down time where I am not fighting a huge headache, sinus pain, multi-tasking, or any other life event that is dragging me away.

I am sitting here enjoying slightly less cool weather although it is rainy and feeling pretty well. I just got rid of a headache and feel good for now.

The last few weeks or last month has been a battle against exhaustion from strep, moving, then sinusitis with possible bronchitis and just general malaise. I felt like all my energy was drained and I was replaced with a zombie version of myself even though I was able to get a lot accomplished it was as if I was running on auto-pilot.

One great development was that my son slept in his own room one night. The following few days after though he spent with his dad and that undid it. Now he's back to sleeping with me again. Part of me is okay with it because I suddenly got pangs of sadness realizing he was growing up and needing me less. I realize I take for granted the safety and security of having him an arms length away from me. Across the house I am tossing and turning wondering if he's okay, if he's kicked off the covers and shivering or if he's having a nightmare. I guess I am more of a clingy mom than I thought. I am not ready for him to leave my side as much as I sometimes wish to have the bed to myself. I don't care what anyone says, he's my baby and I feel better with him near me.

I at least know he will soon most likely sleep in his own room for good and that day will feel a bit scary for both of us but I'll know he's more than ready at that point now that he has at least given it one try.

For now I am glad to be off work until Jan 3 and enjoying his company while we hang out and watch cartoons, make cookies, bake a cake and think of other things to entertain us.

Christmas

2011-12-16T18:34:00.002-05:00

Been busy with life, work, being sick, shopping and just in general no energy or time :)

Birthday Parties for Aspies and the Dummies who have them

2011-12-05T07:53:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to be funny with my title. My son explained to me why he melted down at his party when grandma put an end to them using the laptops and PC in his bedroom. My Aspie thinks much like an adult. "If you're bored find something to do!" It's a one way street of course because when he's bored around me he tells me over and over he's bored. He was telling me that they all could not be doing the same thing or they would all get bored and in each other's way. He compared it to a friends recent birthday party where the theme was playing with legos and other types of toys. He said we were all playing with different legos and toys, it would have been chaotic if we all had to play together on the same thing.

My ex-MIL meant well. One Aspie was being left out while the other two had a laptop and a desktop to play Minecraft on. However, my son was very annoyed and said she made him very unhappy at his birthday party. See sometimes adults want birthday parties to go they way they planned and they forget that ultimately the child is just happy to have lots of friends over and to let chaos ensue. That's what birthday parties mean to them. A day to act like a maniac and not be told what to do.

My ex-MIL hinted we'd be doing this at my place next year. I laughed and said that's why I gave up doing birthday parties after he turned 7 or 8. You can't enjoy something when you are hell bent on controlling it and it slips away and becomes what you don't want it to be.

Kids birthdays and especially Aspie kid birthday parties just go the way they go. In this case, her need to enforce the "I said get off the laptop/PC" rule almost ruined my son's day.

With that said I will not have a birthday party for my son next year like I haven't in the last few years because it was my agreement with my son that we go out for dinner and he get one somewhat big gift from me and that's it or do a movie with one friend.

For one: I don't want to clean up after a bunch of people in my house, Two: I don't want a bunch of people in my very small house, Three: Boys are dirty little vermin that can't seem to aim their urine into the toilet and don't like to wash their hands, Four: I don't cook and I don't play hostess well, Five: I don't want kids in my house without their own parents around to discipline them, Six: I really would rather afford a nice gift for my son and not a party, and LASTLY: Parties are usually for the person throwing it - the parent/adult because they want contact with other adults. Parties can also be a means to get gifts for your kid which is not my style.

The last thing I want is to clean up after anyone and keep other kids (hence why I don't have more than one of my own and I am okay saying that - that is the most selfish thing about me). My ex-MIL has set the tone for his friends to be dropped off for sleep overs and parties. She should have insisted parents stick around because for one, one child kept sticking his fingers in the cake (gross- they don't want their hands) and the other was fine but was getting left out and could have resulted in a major Aspie meltdown.

My son is really strong and it nearly takes two adults to control him in full rage. If we had 3 Aspies each running in different directions and melting down it could spell trouble with big neon red letters. All we need is to have a one child get hit by a car as he darts out of the house or another being thrown down the steps. When my son melted down over the termination of computer use he was shoving his grandmother. Did I mention my son is 5'2" and weighs about 120 lbs? Yes very strong, very big and in full rage mode could be very likely to hurt a grown man let alone a woman that was just inches taller and possible 30 to 40 lbs heavier and who has just recently recovered from knee surgery.

Luckily he was not that angry nor raging that badly and his friends were okay with termination of computer time use at the party. This is a great example of how having the other parents around really does help sometimes. They can control their kid while you tend to yours.

The party was good either way but for the few snags. While we cut the cake the kids were cracking us up. They know more about things than we thought and were cracking jokes about marijuana and heroine ... it was pretty funny and because of the Aspie personalities among them where they say things with very serious dry humor it made it that much funnier.

I think my ex-MIL got her feelings hurt when my son acted out and told her he was mad at her. He hurts my feelings all the time though and it hurts worst when you've taken the time to make a day very special for him. They don't get feelings as much and don't realize or consider the effort you put into it, they just want what they want when they want it regardless of how they come across and what feelings they trample.

Fitness Slump & Diet

2011-11-29T08:21:00.000-05:00

I've been slacking on my exercise like nobody's business but I had been so active through the whole break unpacking, lifting, moving things, lining cabinets with contact paper, vacuuming, etc that it truly made up for not running in some ways. However, it's time to get back on that horse. I am going to start hydrating a bit better this time around. I noticed that I would not do well because my body was lacking in some things, primarily good hydration and secondly I need to work on bulking up my fruit and veggie intake so I have good energy on my side. I tend to do a lot of microwave meals because I don't cook often. Mostly I don't really have time, don't really like to, and my son won't eat anything but toast, hot dogs, McDonalds or Reese's cups now so cooking for me is a bit of overkill.

Speaking of which, my son no longer wants peanut butter sandwiches in his lunch. He only wants peanuts. It looks rather odd to send a lunch bag with a container of peanuts. Yesterday I packed peanuts and two oreos. Today I packed peanuts, oreos, and cheez-its. I hope he at least eats those. Yesterday he did but most days his lunch returns untouched. All he ever wants in the morning at 6AM when we head out is warm strawberry milk then for dinner only wants toast. A long long time ago he liked warm strawberry pediasure but now won't have anything to do with that either. He has slowly whittled down his list of foods he likes to next to nothing. He used to love Tostitos but now he does not care for them. I seem to have stopped liking them too though.

My mother said I was a super picky eater as a kid and I am still a picky eater. Certain textures of food make me gag. The smell of tomatoes is revolting to me and I won't eat them. I have to prepare my own oatmeal or cream of wheat because if it is too watery or lumpy I won't eat it. It has to be just right. Only I know what that means. :) I could eat the same thing for days. I sometimes eat white rice and tuna for dinner all week long. My son tends to be that way too.

Oh well, the nut does not fall to far from the tree apparently.

The move....

2011-11-26T20:30:00.001-05:00

The move is done. I am in my new place ... almost fully unpacked and settled in. I really like the place ... more than I expected. I say more than I expected because it is a mobile home in a mobile home park but you'd never know it. It really just looks like a house through and through. My ex fixed up the whole place, dry walled, carpeted and redid the kitchen floor with hardwoods. He put in a new tub, sinks for the bathrooms, and was a great help getting my washer and dryer hooked up. The best part is I am right across from the playground, my son likes it here, and it is a gated little community. Oh the very best part, my neighbors are quiet and I can't smell them because I am not in an apartment. No more cigarette stench!

My initial reaction when my ex offered for us to move here was a flat out NO! He offered it up several times after each time I said I was looking but each time I was totally against it because, 1. it's a mobile home, 2. I did not want to live around these type of people, 3. I was totally put off by becoming trailer trash & 4. My pride. Pride set aside and giving it a chance was well worth it as well. So far people here are pretty decent and the place is fairly laid back and very well kept up.

Only weird encounter is a strange toothless black woman who seems to always be looking to bum a cigarette or see if anyonecan spot her a pack til her next pay check. She's only come around when my ex's truck was parked outside but I made it clear I was not helping her in that area. I don't support anyone's nasty habits especially when the person is a blatant moocher. The minute you give them an inch they won't ever leave your doorstep.

The move cost me some physical labor and the $$ funds to pay Two Men and a Truck to move my heavy stuff. But I say it was well worth it. They did an awesome job and none of my stuff got damaged. They wrapped all my stuff in blankets and then used plastic wrap to keep them in place. They moved all my clothes and were very polite and quick and efficient. These guys were true professionals.

The place is very cozy and homey (as my son put it) and I think that coziness seems to be good for him. He literally played in his new room without calling for me for a long long while longer than he ever did in the condo. He's not as afraid and seems right at home ... as if nothing has changed. Earlier he did say something about how it feels weird to be here since we lived in the last place for so many years but he's adjusted very well.

I like it ... it may not be a permanent move but it will be a while before we move again that is for sure.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-23T08:28:00.002-05:00

Moving, Stress and Strep

2011-11-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

OMG. Can things get more stressful for me. I am moving this weekend so I am boxing things up and moving things myself before the movers get here Saturday to get the heavy things. I am scheduling service shut off and turning on service at the new place, dealing with Aspie issues, and now I have strep, it's going to rain all night and there are tornado warnings.

My life is not ever less complicated. Anytime I plan something utter mayhem ensues. All I need for there to be next is a freeze alert the morning of my final move.

I got a response from the teacher and they say that basically my son is not dealing well with redirection or being corrected. When he was told yesterday he would need to do group study with Ms. T, he stomped off angrily, he kicked the trash can and slammed the door. My son told me just the other day he does not like her again. I honestly think it is a personality issue because my son does really well with his Speech Therapist and she is quite the type to invade your space and look you in the eye. Yet he loves that woman! IF I were a jealous and crazy ass mom, I'd hate her but I love her because my son loves her. She clearly knows how to motivate my little dude!!!

My gut tells me this teacher probably has an issue with my son. The other day he was making some vocal noises and apparently she scowled at him and per my son's words she gave him a mean look and he did not like it. The story I got from Mr R is that she gave him a visual cue then she reprimanded. See again... here is the problem ASPIE and VISUAL CUE ... not always a good way to get an Aspie to cooperate because a visual cue is not obvious to them ... they usually overlook it because they tend not to make eye contact or really look at you all together so scowling is going to look like you are just being a mean old witch. Again as I said before my son needs explicit direction. Even if he gets upset he knows what is expected from him and not confused by mean faces across the room.

I am not just defending him here. I know my little angel can be a hard nut to crack. I lose hair or gain more gray hairs over him daily but I try my best to see where I can improve my approach with him and cut him some slack without becoming a push over. Granted I do have more freedoms like raising my voice more and threatening him with a good butt whooping. The other thing that is changing here is him, he's 10 and growing and nearing puberty. Clearly I can't predict how this is going to affect him, as I vaguely remember how it affected me.

I do remember wanting to shave my legs and getting in trouble with my mom for doing something "so" inappropriate. My mom was overly protective. I don't know if I got in trouble a lot at his age but I had a few outbursts in school during my 8th grade year. Family and other life issues were tense then and it bled out in varied ways but my son, as far as I can see, has limited to no family issues that I see as an issue. Yes I am divorced from his father but we've been since he was 3. The only new development since my ex's 3rd divorce (I was number 2) is he is dating someone again (LORD!) and my son has met her and her daughter so not sure if this may be a trigger. I am wondering if this female teacher is resented in some way because my ex is dating again.

Perhaps that's over thinking things but it's the only hunch I have but it's not a gut feeling either and I am good at surmising what can be happening with my son. Or it could be the move but my son seems okay with it especially since half the reason we are moving is because we are tired of smelling cigarettes from our downstairs neighbors. It gets in through the bathroom because they run the fan and it pushes it into my place. I don't know how many times I have gotten home and had to take a quick look around because I could swear I somehow walked into a smoky bar. I say smoke to you hearts content but not if you are killing me with you.

Email to the Teachers on my Aspergers Son

2011-11-15T09:20:00.000-05:00

This is an email I sent today to my son's teachers. They are trying but I sometimes have to remind them of my challenges with him and how often I am around him where I have the opportunity to see every little detail of each of his weeks/days at school.

Hi there,
I know you are still continuing to struggle with my son on group work. I just wanted to see if you had any updates for me or if I can be of any assistance.

I did see the notes on his re-do homework from when we met. His dad actually got it a week after he and I completed together and returned it. My son lives with me 50% of the time so his dad and I rotate every 7 days with him, so there are times we each get a continued portion of an assignment that was done with the other parent at some point. I know you are busy and can't make lengthy notes on everything that comes home to us for him but just so you know he goes to his dad's this Friday for a week and then I get him next Friday. I hope that helps a bit.
We try not to change this schedule on him as much as possible since the consistency with each of us helps to keep him from having more meltdowns or issues with shutting down. My son is very prone to clamming up once he's upset and we have yet to figure out how to bring him back from these long lapses of silence and anger.

He did mention to me, Mr R, that yesterday during a reading assignment he did not understand a question that was posed about what he thought the character was saying. Because he processes everything as how he sees it, the more abstract question which was "what do you think the character is thinking here?" was annoying to him because the book was actually telling in some way what the character was thinking but he could not understand why you would ask him what he was thinking when the book was clearly stating what the character was thinking.

It's this black and white thinking without gray area that can make it hard to work with my son. You have to sometimes be very explicit as to what you want from him or he will get frustrated because what you say to him is what you mean and any shade of insinuation is completely missed by him.

Feel free to email me at the email account anytime so we can communicate more often. I really want to help but since his school is about an hour drive from where I work and live it makes it a bit of a challenge for me.

School Stuff and Math

2011-11-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

My son has been struggling with comprehension of some math stuff recently. It's all about fraction comparison so I have worked with him at night to help him and he seems to understand it but in class he struggles with the teacher and the teaching method of getting into groups.

My son does not like his math teacher. I met her two weeks ago during a meeting with my son's regular teacher and I can see to some degree why he does not like her. She has a drawn down mouth and she opens her eyes really wide to the point of her eyes nearly bugging out. I think because my son has aspergers/autism ... he finds her expression confusing. Is she alarmed, sad, annoyed, high, scared? I had trouble myself discerning her expression as I explained what and why my son does what he does.

She seems very frustrated that she can't get my son to communicate with her. She says he just shuts down and walks off and leaves her class. For one, she is a regular ed teacher. So I imagine her limited knowledge of autism/aspergers adds to her exasperation. Read up on it! is what I wanted to say ... maybe she has who knows. Secondly, my son either loves you or hates you ... no in between, no gray area, no kind of sort of likes you.... he just has two speeds. Love or Hate.

I don't know what to do if he does not want to work in groups with her how can we force him. Any suggestions out there? I am to the point where I need to find some help but I can't afford any support that is not covered by insurance.

I win... sometimes

2011-11-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

I totally won something last week from a blog I follow. See what I won here at Airing My Dirty Laundry. These cute cards. I already know who I will send them to. My mom and my sister probably.

I seldom win anything so it is nice to win something for a change, right? The last time I won anything was years ago. It was an iPod nano. I still have it but it won't hold a charge anymore... oh sigh. I have an iPhone now but that is my work cell phone so I can't really call it mine mine. But I still load it with music and junk. I am sure I will end up keeping it if I ever leave .. not like they'll want it after it's not worth anything and the newer generations of phones make it useless and slow. Maybe people can collect all the old iPhones in the world and tile their kitchens with them like a back splash of sorts or just recycle them for parts I guess.

I keep entering bottle cap codes to My Coke rewards in hopes that I will win a new washer and dryer. I don't think anyone really wins anything on that site. I'd like to meet someone who did. I did cash in some points months back for a new set of stainless steel pots though. 2 pots and 1 pan with lids. It's a nice set.

Luckily the bulk of the codes I collect come from the ex-MIL because she buys Coke products like her life depends on it. They literally buy my son cases of blue powerade, his favorite drink. I buy him several bottles and make him ration it out through the week. Every week I pick him up from his grandparents I get a zip lock bag full of bottle caps. It's cool of them to do that but it does take time from my day to enter all those damn codes when I finally sit down to do it. I think Coca Cola should really offer better rewards though. The sweepstakes have great stuff but the rewards where you can cash in your points are useless things like mouse pads, t-shirts, caps. Ugh. At least the pots and pans were decent. I mean t-shirts? And you have to use a lot of points for them. I can just go to Goodwill and get t-shirts.

Anyway the time change is here and now mornings are bright but it will be dark by 5 or 6pm .... blah!

Post Halloween

2011-11-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

When I have a good picture of my son dressed as a ninja I will post it to my blog. He was with my ex last night but the pic he sent me was super fuzzy and small. He apparently does not know how to use technology or has an "unsmart" phone.

It was nice not to be out freezing my ass off for Halloween. I ran 4.5 miles last night and stayed home after, cozy under a blanket watching NCIS and then went to bed earlier than usual.

I used to really miss taking my son trick or treating if it was not my year to do so but this year I felt like I really just wanted a break from the hectic pace so I was very glad to let his dad have his turn. I'm surprised my ex-MIL did not insist on tagging along. From what my son said it was just him, his friend and his dad. Perhaps her arthritis was just too bad for her to stand the cold. Unfortunately, such is life when you age. It takes you out of some activities when your body won't deal well with the changes in weather or you have pain just from being cold.

I hope I don't have too many aches and pains as I get older but I am sure I will at some point. I already have some pain in my right hand from typing and using a mouse at work. Some pain on my left knee and left ankle achilles tendon has also started to cause me some grief but that is from running and a bit of over training.

Beliefs and Holidays

2011-10-27T20:15:00.000-05:00

I enjoy getting other people's perspective on their beliefs, opinions, and ideas. Hearing about them, entertaining the notion or just listening. I don't like other people's beliefs, ideas, notions or opinions enforced upon me. I don't care if you don't like holidays or believe in them. I am going to celebrate them. Maybe I will go to hell for enjoying Halloween or birthdays or whatever it is you or someone else does not agree should be celebrated but I will go there without those that want to party poop on the party that is called being a happy well balanced human being.

A friend of mine on Daily Mile has mentioned that their school or child's class will not participate in any Halloween activities because of one child's religion and the big bunch of noise his mom is making about it. What, did she donate the damn library or something? I hate people who want their lives and beliefs to be more important than anyone else's. People who originally came to America left where they left to flea religious persecution and now we are all here putting up with other people telling us what is right or wrong about what we want to celebrate. A small minority if you ask me. Maybe I am a jerk for saying so but I don't push my Catholicism on anyone.... I don't make everyone read about the Trinity and the Virgin Mary. Why is it okay for some groups to litter the world with their propaganda and enforce their will on everyone else?

Yes I believe in God but I won't make you pray or shove my bible down your throat so don't take my right to celebrate holidays I like anywhere it is appropriate to allow it. We all have rights not just the paranoid freaks that think everything you do will send you down the hell chute.

Things About Me

2011-10-26T11:10:00.001-05:00

I like hummus but I won't eat chickpeas in their natural form.
I like ketchup and salsa, but won't eat tomato slices or in any raw tomato form.
I like white steamed rice with tuna.
I love word games, especially Words with Friends
I like to draw/sketch.
I like to run.
I like pretzels with mustard.
I'm a mom to a child with autism or more accurately a child diagnosed with Aspergers.
I only have one child and don't want more.
I find it annoying when someone is a know-it-all or acts like their beliefs hold more value
I think religion and prayer is a personal thing and I should not have to pray like anyone else or believe like anyone else.
I honestly don't care if our money or other government documents have the word God in them. Look how corrupt government and politics are... Has it helped them any to see those words daily on what they love the most ... their precious money! If that's the case why is it not printed on credit cards.

Understanding

2011-10-20T20:05:00.001-05:00

I was just reading ... something I tend to do less and less lately. I can't seem to sit still and just be. My brain wants to do things but not be still. Anyways, I got back to reading "Reconnected Kids" by Robert Melillo and I was reading a section on bed wetting. It made me realize that many of the times that my son would have accidents had nothing to do with him drinking too much before bed or not trying to hold it or get up to use the restroom before an accident.

According to the book, the development of the brain in the frontal lobes area, which is the seat of executive functions, or higher cognitive skills is the area that controls urination. This is what develops voluntary and involuntary control. Because brain activity decreases dramatically in the REM stage of sleep it can often cause bed-wetting.

Another stage of development that can cause a child to regress to bed-wetting is language development growth spurts. The brain's verbal language center is also housed in the frontal lobe area.

It's amazing to learn how the brain works. I wish I had read this when my son was a bit younger. It was very frustrating to not know how to help. If I had known this at least there would have been an acceptance of what I could not or did not need to help with in the potty training learning curve. I would have also been more patient about it.

There have been many tearful moments because of not knowing what was going on and this is a great way to illustrate why reading and support groups can indeed help us learn something we don't already know.

Being a Mother... and a nag

2011-10-18T13:30:00.001-05:00

My son never ceases to amaze me. Sunday he told me I make him want to shoot himself because I talk or ask more questions than the game 20 Questions. In other words, I nag him, bug him and am just a plain pain in his butt.

LOL it's a taste of my own medicine I suppose, as I feel the same way about my mom at times because she calls me so much. Anyways, he's like me ... he wants his space and he does not want to be bugged. I can't blame him I am that way very much. Very independent and hate to have the hovering parent, family member, whatever person that just lingers and wants to know how you are every 30 minutes and if you have eaten, and what you ate and when ... and why and with who.

Sometimes I realize I become my mom with my son. But I become a mom period. We all definitely become the parent that smothers at times. My son is only 10 though and I am a grown woman. So sometimes my asking my own mother to back off is well understandable to say the least.

I just found it hilarious that he said that to me but it was just straight to the point and blunt. I was like "well I never!" I told my sister what he said and she just laughed too. He's a character. He knows what he wants, what he likes and does not take much shit from anyone. Ahhhh so much like me.

These are great traits to some degree until he starts beating up on someone who crosses any of his boundaries. Yes he scratches, kicks, and shoves. He used to bite but he's outgrown that. It's seldom that he will become this violent these days but when he does, the school often does call us to come get him. I can't say I blame them because his meltdowns can last about an hour or longer at times. Sometimes they are a momentary rage that lasts a minute or two. Followed by frustration and tears. I think at school he won't let himself vent or vocalize what he's feeling so he just blows up so at home where he does speak more freely the meltdowns are less intense or at least they are less intense when he's with me.

I am in the process of moving because the smoking from the downstairs neighbors filters into my place and the landlord is just not really doing much about it. I found a small house and will move within a month. I am anxious and excited about it so I can just imagine what this might do to my Aspie. He seems okay with it though so we journey again into new ground.

Flapping

2011-10-07T14:03:00.001-05:00

When I think of flapping I think of driving. Why are they connected you might ask? Well it's because my son gets excited at the sight of fast moving objects, spinning things, hectic things that create a visual chaos for your eyes. Excited = hand flapping. I wonder if my son will ever ever stop doing this.

My son flaps when something excites him or upsets him a good bit. Like when we go to Best Buy and some kids are playing guitar hero. He loves to watch them play but won't try it... it overwhelms him to play but the sound and the intensity of the flashing colored lights is a thrill so he stands back and flaps. All passersby will stare. It's been a while since we went to Best Buy long enough for this to happen but the last time we were there my son could not wait to leave. There were too many electronics making noise, beeping and flashing for him. He even said he could not handle all the high pitch beeps anymore and asked to leave.

The intensity of things can either catapult him to a meltdown or a frenzy of hand flapping and near tip toe stiff standing. I am amazed and impressed when he verbalizes the frustration. It's an odd thing but he's been doing it so long, I know him by it and I know it's his way to express a certain amount of enjoyment and excitement and it makes me happy to know he's happy or enjoying something.

I fear, however, this will impede his ability to be productive on several levels. Especially when it comes to driving. He likes to watch things move, spin, whiz by and I'm afraid that he'll be hand flapping while driving. I am so much less concerned with texting and driving right now because I have other stimuli that present a much larger danger in the level of distraction they afford to my son, at least, right now.

He has not even learned to ride a bike because his balance and coordination is just not strong enough to support the additional demands of focusing his energy on staying upright let alone ignore other stimuli ... like cars and such. My child is clumsy like me but a bit more amplified. He falls a lot even when he's standing still he can fall. It's like the floor just gets pulled out from under him sometimes and he's down. Usually he laughs and says he can't seem to stop falling but either he's being silly, trying to get attention or really really just losing his balance a lot.

This is an adventure in more ways than one.

Growing and growing....

2011-10-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

After my son's teacher parent conference yesterday I had to head back to the ex-MILs house to pick up my little bean. Well he's not such a small bean anymore. All 120 pounds of 5 foot 2 - 10 year old boy that everyone thinks is 13 came bounding to me and nearly knocked me down. I love that he is happy to see me and wants to give me a hug. The only part that adds trepidation is his strength... and the strength he seldom realizes he has. He is a big boy. He almost knocks me down when he leans his weight against me and ....oh... forget him sitting on my lap anymore... I think my thighs are not strong enough to support his size anymore. I love when he sits next to me and lets me hug him and rub his back and cuddle with him. He starts cracking up when I lean down and kiss him on his cheek because my breath or my hair tickles.

It's been a long while since a really really bad meltdown so I worry that future meltdowns will be very hard for me to control. He is much stronger than I imagined. I was moving an old desk of his down the steps of our apartment and I asked if he could help me and he picked it up all by himself. I did take it though worrying he'd strain himself because he's not that big of a boy yet and his coordination is still iffy going down steps and multi-tasking so I refused to let him carry it alone and realized I did not need him to help me at all when I picked it up easily. But the thought still crosses my mind that I do need to consider how well prepared I am to handle a meltdown from a near teen-aged child. He will be 11 this December and he does not show any signs of slowing down growth wise. His shoe size is now in the men's dept, pants in the young men's dept as well. He's got a 28 inch inseam and I have 32 inch inseam. My child will surely surpass me in height in no time.

He's changing a lot too. I worry about some of the mood swings I see lately but I have asked his dad to see if it has anything with becoming a young boy. He may be changing and it might be more comfortable talking about man things with his dad than with me. I am sure he would become embarrassed or feel awkward about it so I do relinquish some of that to his dad gladly but I am not opposed or uncomfortable explaining things, I am just not sure of the timing of it all.

On a very positive note regardless of this trepidation, my son is doing very well at school. All scores above 90 in all subjects and 100% in reading. His teacher believes he'll exceed the CRCT requirements in reading by end of school year and mostly meet all other subject areas. So glad and very proud he's doing well.

Oddities

2011-09-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

Do you ever read something and wonder how someone could do something or not do something. I just read the following at this site: Free Will Astrology. I really like his horoscopes.

Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us, agrees. Raised as a boy, she later became a woman, but ultimately renounced gender altogether. "I love being without an identity," she says. "It gives me a lot of room to play around."

I was a bit perplexed about this. I could understand feeling like you were raised the wrong sex or knowing that you were one thing more than another but to choose to be neither seems so far fetched to me.

Perhaps I just need to open up my mind a bit. I guess I am wondering how certain things would work for this person.... like sex or choosing a job and then showing up for work one day as a man, then next a woman or something that is quite androgynous and then confuse the heck out of their boss/co-workers.

It does make you consider the freedom this could afford you and the anonymity at times. Go in to the grocery store one day as a man, next as a woman and people would not know you or think they met your brother previously. I think I have one of those faces that if I had the right hair cut and wardrobe I could pass for a man around the face except that I have too much curvy going on for me .... that would be a dead give away.

This makes me wonder what my son will think as he gets older and how as a child with autism things like sexuality will affect him when he becomes a young man. I worry about too much too soon but I am just thinking is this going to just be instinctual to him or will he at some point just get it and it will all click.

There are so many subtle things that lurk everywhere, in people's behavior, comments, and activities that are even difficult for normal people to discern. I can just imagine or not how the world must seem to kids with autism that don't see the grey areas of the world, just black and white. It's like being in a foreign country where people use idioms in their language all day long and you have to try to reconcile them with what the reality of the world around you is actually saying.

We are very odd really when you think about it.

On getting help...

2011-09-25T22:03:00.000-05:00

The phrase, God helps those who help themselves rings true in other situations to me. For instance, if you ask for help it behooves you to bust your booty to work along side those that are helping you so that their efforts are not fruitless.

I was invited / asked to assist in packing for a friend's move so I showed up with a few boxes and my eagerness to help make a dent in the workload. The person I was helping was a former co-worker. Along with other co-workers, we all worked hard to pack / load up her belongings as she was suffering from hip pain and is scheduled for hip replacement surgery. She, of course could do little to help. However, her live-in son did very little. I immediately noticed, not only did he just stare at me when I first got there, but he never made an attempt to introduce himself, or even ask who I was, but worse was the fact that I did not see him pack a single thing and he never even said thank you.

If I were moving and requested help from friends or was blessed enough to have friends come help me without having to ask I would be doing as much as I could to make them feel welcomed, comfortable and bust my ass right along with them to really get things done. I would, however, have a hard time accepting help so I'd probably never ask for help.

Maybe I am being judgmental because I've seen my share of men who just take but don't give and show no gratitude that I feel this must be the case with all of them. There was a lot that could have been packed but it seemed like her son was more concerned with our not packing his TV or his internet access equipment. I am sure we were interrupting valuable football watching time.

Things that I did enjoy while helping pack were seeing familiar Catholic items. I packed them for my friend. She had holy water, rosaries, crucifixes and a few bibles. I just felt like these things had to be packed with care. I almost used the Sharpie to write on the box, "Fragile, Jesus is in this box." But I am sure he's not really fragile or he would not have died for us.

The more I try...

2011-09-20T22:14:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the more I try to find time for what I want to do the more I run out of time. I am sure this happens to everyone. Murphy's Law. Just like at work, when I need to leave early to get my son from the bus, everyone wants or needs me for something. The weeks I don't, I don't hear half a peep from those people who were riding me the days prior.

I keep trying to find time to work out but I'm either way too tired, my son is sick, it's raining, I'm not in the mood, or I am too sore from my last work out. I've been called an overachiever at times and I do realize I push myself too hard for too long sometimes, but if I was not that way where would I be, right?

Being myself is important to me. I am a Type A personality. I need it done yesterday and I want to be their hours ago. But I have to put myself in check often. Especially when it comes to my son.

My son has been drawing a lot lately and wants to share every detail about what he's drawn. Every character name, color used, weapon drawn, story behind the action on the page is important and really I don't know that any of these details help me understand the storyline any better but it sure makes me realize that my son needs me to be front and center no matter what he is saying. He really values what I think otherwise he would not share this with me. That is worth putting off doing the laundry, dishes, cleaning or even showering. I can stink to high heaven and I'd make his question or his need for sharing my priority. Sometimes I am not patient but I always value what he wants to say to me or what he has an interest in. It may not be what I want for him or hoped he'd do but it's what makes him happy ultimately.

I just asked him to draw a PowerPuff girl and he laughed at me. Glad I can make him laugh. He's got the cutest laugh and smile.

Hot Flash

2011-09-13T17:24:00.000-05:00

I am laughing at myself but also thinking "how awkward!" I think I had my first public hot flash. With the weather cooling down there is no reason that a short walk to a social function at work would make me hot. Where I work it requires walking out doors to get to some buildings. I've had hot flashes at night in my sleep before. My doctor calls it peri-menopause. The beginning of what leads to the road to menopause at some point in the next 10+ years. Anyways, without really getting into my age or whatever, I started to sweat like a pig at this going away part for a co-worker.

At this point I wanted some solace. I really needed to find somewhere to relieve this but I was talking to another co-worker that kept creeping closer to me. You know the type... the ones who can't back off when they talk to you. They stare at your face and leave just enough room between your bodies to make you want to shove a big object between you to create more space. I felt like I could not breathe and just when I thought the conversation would end or go in a different direction when someone else walked up she would steer the conversation back to her area of interest and keep getting closer. She asked if I was okay so I said I may be having a hot flash as it was obvious I was starting to sweat. I felt sweat going down my back and butt... I did not want to leave since I was just hot not uncomfortable. However, she kept asking if I was okay so I wanted to get away from her to draw less attention to my perspiration. It was annoying after a bit. As I exited the room more people started to try to talk to me so I smiled and sauntered out. I was like oh GOD get me out of here. I have never had that experience but this time I felt like I was completely melting. I only sweat like that when I run ... my hair was damp at my scalp and temples ... it was very weird but funny at the same time because I felt like "this can't be happening to me..." I've been under pressure before and in other social situations so this had nothing to do with being uncomfortable. I speak in front of large groups and train people so this made me feel a bit out of control.

At any rate, it could be related to this or not but earlier at the tire place I fell asleep waiting for my car to be worked on. It was funny because their couch is super comfy and I ended up dozing off just when the mechanic came to tell me what they needed to do. I awoke to a mechanic calling my name and looking a bit worried I was not going to wake up. Funny thing too was that I went to the restroom when they came to tell me my car was ready. They must have thought ... "what an old lady!" Falling asleep on the couch and now she's in the ladies room!" There was actually an old lady sitting near me on another couch and she was wide awake.

I must be doing too much or something or just aging :). Tonight after my run I will try to go to bed before midnight. 5AM comes around too soon!

Life Long Learning

2011-09-12T10:27:00.000-05:00

I think life long learning is really important. I think that people sometimes become satisfied with what they have learned or accomplished and refuse to do more or just don't try. What do you do to keep that spark of curiosity for learning flowing?

Something I keep meaning to do is learn another language. I can speak Spanish, English, and French. French I speak so-so now because I don't use it much but I downloaded an app on my iPhone that goes through and covers beginner, intermediate and advanced vocabulary, verb conjugation and conversations so it has helped me remember some of it. When I was in high school I was a foreign exchange student to France. That was a while ago. It was the summer between my junior and senior year of HS. I could have opted to go for a full year but I was a chicken and only went for a about 3 1/2 + months in the summer. The first half was a language study program and the 2nd half was living with a host family.

Initially I was skeptical about really learning French any better than I had through books at school. By then I had 3 years of French behind me and was going to take another in my senior year. I would eat those words. I learned more and came back fluent. I credit it more to the fact that I spent so much time with the younger brother in the family. He was 14 and I was 17. He was not concerned with whether I understood him and he was not trying to help me either. The rest of the family tried to assist by using hand gestures, English words (they hardly spoke any words in English), or Spanish to communicate. Not that it helped. Their Spanish was unlike what I'd grown accustomed to from my parents. It was too formal and made little sense.

The young boy was always using bad words and jumped from topic to topic but because he was always engaged in some form of activity while we talked the simplicity of those obvious language connections to what he was doing made it so much easier to bridge the gap in anything I may not already know the word for.

I remember those days with mixed feelings. I liked the experience but living with a different family was a challenge. The daughter in the family was my age but was quite interested in her academics the whole time I was there and made very little effort to show me the social side of her life. I did enjoy our outings to view local historical sites though I just wished I'd gotten more of an opportunity to meet her friends and to see what being a teenager was like in France or in her region for that matter. It was not long til we actually behaved like real siblings. I grew irritated with her brother's antics and she irritated me when she would try to wear her make up like me. Now looking back I can relate to how my own true sister felt about having a little sister that wanted to be like her. It must have been miserable for her.

Picture in my office ...

Before I departed back to the states, the young boy in the family developed a crush for me and wrote me a letter and slipped it under the bedroom door. I read it and was mortified but amused. He was a like blonde little troll to me. I was really not sure what to do but I replied letting him know that I felt for him only what a sister feels for a brother. He was not happy with that reply but I don't really remember now how awkward it was to face him after we passed that note under the door several times over.

In summation, you can learn from various sources even when you least expect it. I learned I could not tolerate being the object of admiration and imitation for too long. Also without realizing I had started to think in French, because upon my return in my senior year French class, my French teacher asked me a question in French and without hesitation I replied. She was beside herself and how fluent I was and thrilled to hear me just reply without hesitation.

I also learned that my shyness was less and less and speaking in front of large groups was not so hard. I grew up and matured to some degree on that trip. It obviously was a unforgettable experience with learning in every which way. Now that I am to a point in my life where I have accomplished many things I really don't feel I am ready to hang up the learning hat. I may or may not go after a Ph.D. but I'll still learn other things along the way.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

The origins of Labor Day are very significant but yet we sometimes overlook the purpose of a holiday even if it is somehow reflected in the name. I wonder how many, in the far future, will wonder what Sept 11 (though not a national holiday) meant to everyone. It will be like sci-fi story to some but the beauty of technology that we have will allow many to see and nearly feel the fear of witnessing that situation. Unlike so many other events that had to be recreated or dramatized this was captured from several angles and perspectives by news cameras, private citizens and security cameras possibly.

Labor Day is almost dwarfed by the magnitude of Sept 11. I say almost because work, economic and societal values glued our world back together in some way. We had to move and get back to our usual routines even though that seemed impossible at the time. Had everyone thing crumbled our lives would be so difficult. Even though we have economic hard times right now, I think it is interesting to see how we continue to thrive to some extent.

Is it that we are so materially driven that we will work through pain, stress and frustration just to have the things we want? I don't think so. I think we work through all that because we have people who depend on us and need us to be focused, functioning people. I am personally grateful to get this day off paid by my employer. These extra days to regroup make a huge difference for me sometimes. I love being able to be home with my son. Most days he's at school all day and I am at work until we can see each other for 5 hours before bed, in which time we squeeze in homework, exercise, video games, showers, reading and cuddling. It's nice to have long lazy days where we pop popcorn and watch television and giggle at my son's silly antics and live for just a brief while as if we have no cares in the world.

Without labor there would be no electricity, phone, internet, etc services ... the conveniences of air conditioning in our homes and our cars have not come from not having productive jobs so here's to having a purpose and making the world go round. I hope it matters to someone one day when they look back.

Frustration

2011-09-02T22:15:00.001-05:00

Today was a bit annoying at work for several reasons. I felt like I accomplished nothing. That feeling is so frustrating. Every time I would get started on something, another thing would sidetrack me and even though some interruptions were nice, like a lunch break with a co-worker it too created just enough extra delay that my groove in other tasks just dwindled. I even dreaded the phone ringing at one point so much that I just went to the restroom to escape from it all.

The second most frustrating thing was being asked to do something "now" by my boss. I was in the middle of dealing with a co-workers question when he called my cell phone. I am not really annoyed with my boss because he just wanted a report that could have been easily done if I had not already started helping a co-worker but another co-worker walked in to ask something and before I knew it, my boss had returned but had been waiting for me to send him this list where he was before he returned. I was mostly annoyed that he really did need it like right that minute but I was not just sitting around either so it frustrated me to have to drop everything to do that ... like when I am about to leave and someone asks me to do something and I end up leaving work an hour later than I'd planned. Sometimes you want to shake people by the shoulders ... don't they think you ever take a lunch break or go home or are engaged in something productive already and why can't they extract the same data themselves ... why am I the only one who can do this?

Thirdly, I was frustrated that requests for instructions in one email stream got confused with another and I nearly deleted user accounts because the reply I got was to just delete accounts but I was working in two different systems. Luckily I asked for clarification and even then I had to say "NO open the attachment and let me show you what I want clarification on!" Geez!!! What's a woman got to do to get an answer that makes sense?

It was one of those days that made me realize it was not a good idea to have so much diet coke. Luckily I had no coffee or I would have just run out of the office ... and my son has been a chatter box non stop since I picked him up off the bus. I feel like I want to switch the world to mute. I did not even turn on the TV when I got home because I was feeling overwhelmed but my son wanted to watch it, yet he keeps jabbering through everything.

I just need a few minutes of solace ... I don't do well when I can't be left alone for at least a good solid hour. I hope I can wind down enough to fall asleep tonight. Nights like this can lead to several days of insomnia and total burn out. When I have this type of response to being around people all day long, it makes me think I could be like my son.

From the fire into the frying pan

2011-08-29T16:44:00.004-05:00

Is that how that saying goes or do I have that backwards? Anyways, I had to let the stand alone home go. I thought about it but the rent was $75 more, and it did not include the cost for water and trash pickup, gas heat and electric costs would be higher, required lawn maintenance at my expense, plus it had some small issues like a door that, though locked, could be pushed open from the outside if pushed hard enough because the door floor thingie was coming apart, also had a basement with only a very light duty lock to keep anyone out, and an 80 year old landlord.

I did not want to jump from a fire into the frying pan. The whole 80 year old landlord comment was not a discriminatory remark but if something needed fixing I would not be able to depend on an old man to do anything and he may be equally financially squeezed to spend the money to repair anything. The other thought that ran through my mind was that if he kicked the bucket I might be looking for a new place sooner than I'd like. I don't know who would be next in line to take over his income property and I'd hate to be in the line of fire of kids and grandkids who would want to take possession while I was still not moved out.

I have a vivid imagination, too vivid for my own good. The basement did me in. We had one in a house we lived in as a kid and it terrified me. I guess I never got over it and the way I like to watch CSI and 48 Hours is not a good blend for a home with too many nooks and crannies and multiple entrances. I like one way in and windows up high enough that no one can get into them unless they can fly or have a tall enough ladder.

I hope I can find something that I like without compromising my safety and my son's. I also thought about how my autistic son likes to hide when he's upset. He darts and hides and I worried he might fall down the steps into that dark dank basement. The basement steps are hard to get down because the floor above forces you to duck to get down them and if you don't know that you can knock yourself out going down too fast. The basement door to the outside locked from the inside but looked like a very flimsy piece of wood and locked only with an aluminum fastener like the ones in public restroom stalls. That would not prevent my son from getting out or accidently leaving it unsecured.

Oh well back to the drawing board. I know my gut instinct is right and I have to go with it. If I felt completely okay about this place there would have been no room for hesitation. Hopefully my neighbors will not be a total pain in my ass for too much longer. I found out the downstairs yard sale on lot neighbors are only here temporarily while they close on a home.

In some ways that is good but not really because this means a steady stream of unknowns will be move in; people who don't need to stay, won't care to take care of the place nor the neighbors they temporarily have to deal with. I think the landlord is getting desperate to rent that place below me so he's taking whatever deal he can get his hands on. Sucks for me in several ways but hopefully these transients will all be decent enough people ... noisy but hopefully harmless.

The rental places close to my son's school are way too expensive with just my income. $900+ for a 2 bedroom apartment is too rich for my blood. Renting sucks and so does being single and not so well off. Though the apartments give discounts for people who make below a certain amount of money, I am just "rich" enough (sarcasm) not to qualify for this $150 discount. Yay me for making just enough but not enough .... LOL what can you do but laugh at your luck right. The best thing I heard all week is that my sister's biopsy came back negative for cancer. So guess I can't complain. The dings on my car will eventually just be a bad memory.

Annoying Stupid Neighbors

2011-08-28T07:29:00.001-05:00

Okay this is an annoyed neighbor rant. Are you the kind of neighbor that makes noise all hours of the night, hits other people's cars when opening your driver side or any doors on your car, leaves all sorts of crap on your porch like Sanford and son live there? If so don't read this because I am going to make you sound like the worst person on the planet.

I have one neighbor who can't seem to hold her door so the downhill parking lot and gravity won't make it slam into my car and leave a ding. WTF part of being a considerate neighbor does she not get? She leaves her trash on her porch for weeks before finally getting it down to the trash cans and then has the nerve to ask me if I will let her use my WIFI and claim to "pay me" half the cost? Oh really? So you can feel better about hitting my car every few weeks. Today after my run I tried to talk to her but she did not answer her door. I left a note telling her to stop hitting my car and put a big note on the passenger side of my car she hit(s) that says "Stop HITTING my CAR! I had confronted her about it before and she said she did not hit it but I was at work all day yesterday and did not see that new ding on my car til this morning after my run.

The other neighbors are mostly okay but one guy spends half his time on his cell phone outside all day and night. One night he was up til after 11pm talking to someone. I finally had to say something. I told him I could hear him in my apartment and that seems to have taken care of it.

The new tenants down stairs, are loud on the weekends and stay up late. They did not this weekend because they decided to have a yard sale on their porch so it looks like the Clampetts moved in. When that stuff was not there last weekend they were up til 2AM from Friday night to Saturday morning. I had to work that weekend so I was miserably tired the next day. I did not fall asleep until 5AM because I just tossed and turned when they finally shut up. I try not to be the annoying neighbor who is bothered by every little thing but FUCK!!! people stop hitting my car, be a little cleaner and shut the fuck up at night. Seriously.

It's not that I am that materialistic but I only have one car and it cost me $7,000 or more with interest - that's a lot of money for it to be slowly beaten into a pulp and I pay enough rent here to merit some peace and quiet when I go to bed.

I found a small two bedroom stand alone house closer to my job so I might just be moving. The only negative is it costs more and looks to require some lawn care. But it might be better than putting up with these idiots around here much longer.

More Funny Stuff

2011-08-22T19:12:00.003-05:00

I told my son I was being anal about how to do something and he asked "doesn't that mean butt?" I replied with, "well in this sense it means I'm being...", but before I could finish he said, "Being crazy?" Some of you who are friends with me on FaceBook, may have seen this on my status update.

I realize even though he was not really saying I was crazy, (I hope), he had a point. How many times have you been hell bent on getting your way and then realized it did not really matter that that one thing be done just so or your way or stick to some imagined rule.

I laughed and realized... he's right. I try to catch myself sometimes when I let my need to be right or listened to take over. It's just plain crazy to have to be right. Let someone else take center stage, let them believe they are important or know what they are saying. As much as we each want to be heard, there are 10 other people in line that want to be heard even more and you could make them feel really good by just shutting up and letting them have the floor or doing it their way.

However, don't become a total push over. Stand your ground where it matters but not the trivial crap that could turn into a full out blow up fight that you regret later because it was not that important.

I was almost to that point the other day when I made my son read when I wanted when he had the whole weekend to get it done. I realize that at one point I was just trying to get his homework done before he was tired. I know when he gets tired he finds more ways to get out of doing things so I was imposing my will as a preemptive move not to be totally controlling but I still felt bad for pushing the issue and almost pushing into major meltdown mode. Next time I will stick to giving him a time he has to do it or set the timer for when he needs to start it. That always works best.

Funny Conversations

2011-08-20T20:21:00.000-05:00

My son and I were stuck in traffic the other day. A big accident involving two SUVs and a motorcycle held up highway 985 traffic for at least 45 minutes. At one point I said, "Good thing we don't have to pee!"... I guess I jinxed the moment because as soon as I said it my son said he was actually starting to feel the urge to go. I replied with "At least you're a kid and can go stand in the trees and go. If I did that there'd be no way to hide what I was doing having to squat. Guys are lucky sometimes." My son said, "That would be weird and scary!" Then he said, "Parents would have to tell their kids - "children avert your eyes!"" He said this while holding his hand over his eyes dramatically!" I was cracking up because the gesture and his words were so cute and funny all at once and at his age (10) I thought avert was a word he'd never really use.

I was really amused. He says the funniest things sometimes. I can't imagine how his mind works sometimes but he has a wicked sense of humor even if he's not fully aware it himself.

Today he was a huge help at work. I had to map a network drive on each lab computer at work and I showed him how to do it and he was able to replicate the process over and over on at least 20 computers without asking how to do it again. He had fun helping me and I was really impressed that I could tell him how to do something and he was able to do it successfully. He's a great kid.

I am working again tomorrow but I will let him stay with his grandmother tomorrow so he won't be bored out of his mind waiting on me. Luckily I only worked 3 hours of the event today but tomorrow will be a full 7 hours. I will go running after work and then pick him up from his grandma's house when I am done. The best thing about this event is that it pays $25 per hour - more than I make at my regular job so I went ahead and arranged to work so I could pocket some extra money.

Running

2011-08-16T06:41:00.000-05:00

Today I went running at 5AM. I actually woke up before my alarm at 4:45 AM. I got up and put my running wear on and headed out. I told myself I had to just try it and see if running in the dark before everyone is up is something I could like. I did enjoy it. However, running in the dark is a bit scary so I tend to want to run faster than I should. Don't want injuries. The other negative in this area is the smell of chicken trucks if you run on a main city street. Ugh!

The police was in full force this morning ticketing speeders. I must have waved at the same cop about two times. I ran around the university campus so I felt a bit safer through there as well and felt better when I saw a few more runners in the morning out there pounding pavement in the dark.

I ran 4 miles and my pace was not too bad for my slow pokey self. About 12:20 min/mile today. I know with time I will improve I just feel frustrated because I've been at this a lot on and off and I feel like I just get stuck around this pace but this is the most of I have run at this pace in a long while plus it was a pretty good run with little to no pain.

My left achilles tendon has been bothering me but it did not this morning until after I ran. As soon as I stopped and got home and sat for a minute it tightened up. I guess I just need to do a lot more stretching.

My son is with his dad this week that is why the morning run was possible. I would never leave my son alone to go run. That would be horrible. He's run up to 2 miles with me but a 4 mile run at my pace would not be possible for him. He'd hate me. LOL

His teacher called me last night to tell me they are sending his psych eval form to sign and it will including a hearing and vision test. Hoping that all goes well, I am sure it will though. I just worry about the hearing test as my son hates stuff placed against his head against his will and the beeping sounds might upset him. His hearing seems to be amplified and low sharp beeps sound like ice picks digging in his ears.

What's Important....

2011-08-05T23:36:00.000-05:00

I am coming to the realization that part of the reason I have found less and less enjoyment in some areas of my life is mostly the quality of the people I am sometimes surrounded by. I like having things but when those around you are consumed with the latest gadget craze without any real purpose for its use other than just getting it because it's the latest and greatest, it makes you realize how expendable you are to those people and it warrants reappraising where you fit into this trend. Or at least reappraising where you can trim the fat so to speak. The best solution is creating distance if you can with those people, change the subject or walk away if you can.

I used to have a friend in high school who actually chose to stay friends with people based on how attractive they were. She told me once she only liked having pretty friends because it attracted guys. I can see how that approach tends to attract the boys but I found that super shallow and it was also a rude awakening in realizing how people use each other; either subtly or overtly. She thought she could attract men to herself by having female friends that could also attract men. Maybe it was a self-confidence issue and not so much a way of abusing or using anyone really. However, in doing something for the value it brings you sometimes leaves others wondering what your motives are and questioning whether you have any integrity.

Employers do that in so many ways. I've heard some crazy stuff over the years. Some things were subtle and others overt statements that spoke volumes about that individual's personal values or lack thereof, if the shoe fits. I was once picked over someone else for a receptionist job because I did not sound ethnic on the phone, even though the other woman, an African-American woman, had more experience. I know because I was told by the hiring manager. It was a big disappointment to hear that because I know a lot of people with strong accents or who sound "ethnic" if that's appropriate to even say and I would not want them treated that way or passed over for a job they were qualified to do.

Just like the latest and greatest gadgets, people can be traded in, traded up or discarded. Actions speak louder than words. Actions confirm whether people really care, only want you around to carry the dead weight they would rather not carry themselves, or if they have your best interests at heart. I hate lip service, so when I am told one thing and another is done, I start keeping my eye on what's going on to see where it is I fit in, in the big picture.

My first priority is my health, my son and my family. Then everything else. If something compromises that value tree, it's time to start chopping some weeds.

Progress

2011-08-02T18:43:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit stoked about running 5 miles again today. I really really found it a lot easier to get to that distance today. I am thinking it had a lot to do with eating a bit better today especially eating a banana and a protein bar a few hours before running. Or I am just getting stronger and it's starting to show in my ability to keep running without feeling like I am in pain. Normally I start off good then I start feeling all these aches and pains and then it's like I hit a wall after mile one then I break through and again at mile 3 I feel a bit challenged but as I near mile 4 it feels like I don't feel much until the last quarter mile before I get to mile 5 then I feel like I want to stop but tonight when I was done I felt like I recovered faster and I don't feel like taking a nap like I did when I did 5 miles Wednesday and 6 miles Friday last week.

I am no streak of lightning when I run because I am not that fast but for someone my age I think I do okay. I really feel good that I have pushed myself to go back to the gym and start working out again. I already notice my clothes loosening up again.

Almost a year or two ago I was well on my way to getting into decent shape but I let the cold winter slow me down and it created a bad habit of curling up on the couch again. Before I knew it, I had gained some weight and my lower back was in pain again, my hip would stiffen up and I'd be miserable daily because I was not getting any sleep from the pain that kept me up all night.

It's weird how getting in shape and going through that kind of pain eases those other aches and pains.

Well, here's to keeping at it and fighting off the lazies each and every day.

New Experiences

2011-07-28T21:11:00.001-05:00

My son and I are onto new challenges. He spent the night at a friend's house for the first time last night. I was a bit worried since he is a picky eater and I was scared he'd have a massive meltdown or something and dart from his friend's house. I know his friend's mom and have been to their house. This friend in particular is also diagnosed with Asperger's as were the two other friends spending the night. Well one did not stay and I expected my son not to want to stay either but he did and I am actually glad he did because it's a good experience. He needs to learn to deal with new surroundings and other people.

This challenged me to let go and I know I can deal with my son growing up and becoming less dependent on me. It sounds like my son behaved and was cooperative and never had a melt down. I am impressed that this mom who hosted the sleep over birthday party could deal with 4 aspies plus her other two sons and friends of her two sons at her home. She is clearly a very busy lady. I can tell she has to neglect some other areas of her life to make her life work. I am lucky sometimes to have so much time to myself but I also know that having lots of family around can be rewarding too. My whole family is in California. Since I am divorced I only have my son here in Georgia and the ex-in-laws. Not too bad since they do help keep my son but it's not the most ideal situation for me at times.

At any rate, I took yesterday's free time to myself to run. I ran 5 miles in 1 hour and 6 minutes. Exhausting!! I am working on building my distance and endurance so I am running slower to continue to run longer. I never walked yesterday while running and I seldom stop to walk now unless I am running with my son but I did run on the treadmill which is relatively easier than running outdoors. I think I could have gotten to this distance sooner if I had just allowed myself to run slower. I need to embrace the quantity vs quality thinking when running. Running pace picks up with speed work workouts where you run a slow pace then pick up the pace for a half mile or longer and then back to a slower pace. I tend to let my pride get in the way. I want to run faster but that does not help build endurance. Running shorter faster runs doesn't build your endurance by itself. Long runs do. It's not easy but I like to challenge myself.

To the right are my running/fitness and weight loss widgets. I have made lots of progress by giving my self specific date dead lines to accomplish certain things and I can see that I stick to it when I practice being tough on myself when I make excuses for what I slack on doing. My running goals is to be running at least 7 miles with a better pace by this winter/spring. My weight loss goal is 60 lbs off by next July. It seems like a lot but I know where it's hiding. :)

DailyMile

2011-07-25T08:39:00.002-05:00

I am using DailyMile to post all my workouts. I have made some friends there who are into fitness and it helps me to stay motivated. My goal is to lose another 6 lbs by mid August. My long term goal is to shed at least 50 to 60 lbs. My goal date is mid July next year. May seem like a lot but it's really not and my motivation is based on the fact that as I age my body will have to carry this weight around... my joints will suffer and I don't want to be dependent on anything or person to help me get around. I want to be able to walk and/or run and be active well into my late 60's or longer. I can't imagine a day where I will have to use wheelchair or one of those annoying shopping carts that you drive that beep annoyingly.

I was finally able to run 5 miles on Friday. I did it at a slow pace but I did it and my run training is going well. Last night I ran 2 miles with my son. He did really well. He only took short breather and walk breaks. But he hung on and when I thought he needed breaks he'd say no let's keep going. He toughed it out. He's only 10 but I know this is a good for his health. He needs the cardio exercise.

My last appointment for a physical turned out great as all my vitals are in the normal range and I want it to stay that way. I also want my son to learn by example. I can't expect him to eat healthier and be active if I am not.

A buddy on Twitter @IssaMas and I are going to keep each other accountable on both our diet and exercise. I am glad I meet such great people online. Her blog is here.

How kids learn...

2011-07-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

I am reading the Disconnected Kids and Reconnected Kids books by Dr. Robert Melillo and I just wanted to quote what I found while reading Reconnected kids. On page 91, I'll quote what read below:

Promoting Problem-Solving Skills

Problem-solving skills develop through trial and error. Children must be given the opportunity to try, fail, and then try again until they succeed.

Persistence is the key to developing good problem-solving abilities, but it can be stifled by overindulgent parents who never let their child struggle with anything. As a result, such children enter adolescence poorly equipped for the frustrations of life. Instead, these children master the skill of getting the parent to solve the problem for them. They throw a fit when something becomes too difficult and will usually quit and give up. After a while, these children become unmotivated and lazy and develop low self-esteem.

This is exactly what I want to prevent. The book I am reading is about kids with brain imbalances. A brain imbalance is specific to kids with autism or aspergers and other conditions. Although I am not an advocate for one size fits all treatment or therapies, I do agree with this area in the book. Regardless of parenting strategies sometimes just letting your child try on his own is the best thing for the child and their future.

Parenting

2011-07-14T08:41:00.000-05:00

This article on Autism Support Network sums up how I feel about my son. I love who he is and how he is. Just like the author I have days when I wish my son would or could participate in activities other kids try. My son refuses at times to even wear pants or shorts with buttons, let alone try a new food or activity. But without the autism as the author states, there would be a different child standing before me. I don't know that child and I love the one I've come to know for 10 years.

I know my son will change and adapt to new things in his own time and that's scary too but I can only do so much to guide him and help him navigate his way to being a young man and then let go to let learn to independently problem solve and ask help when he really needs it.

I think parents at times smother their kids with direction making their kids unable to face any decision making on their own when the time comes. I don't want my son to face a choice and wait for me to tell him what to do. I want him to problem solve, analyze, pare down the pros and cons and take some chances. I hate for him to mess up but we do learn much by failing and we learn a lot more when we have to fend for ourselves that much more.

But what's more important is accepting the things that my son can and cannot do. I think that parents sometimes not only set impossible expectations but also want their kids to do the things they never did or could not do. When a child can't live up to your demands sometimes they learn to hate themselves because they can't please you and then turn that hate onto themselves for feeling inadequate.

One of the goals my son has this summer is to read 4 books that meet the grade level requirement for his age. Thus far, he's gotten more than half way through 1 and I feel like I am doing a crappy job at making him read but he's like his dad, he does not enjoy reading. In turn, I feel like a jerk for laying down the law. How do you get your kid to read without making them feel like it's something you are enforcing? I've explained is a school requirement but he's not interested in reading in the least and I don't want to push him until he resents me.

It's in the eyes...

2011-07-09T22:06:00.000-05:00

My son and I were talking before bed the other night and I guess I must have opened my eyes wider as I expressed myself in conversation. He asked me, "Why do you open your eyes like that, so wide. It's creepy."

It's funny how I forget his challenges with reading facial expressions and how he experiences them. I take for granted that his understanding of what little things like raising an eyebrow or opening my eyes wider in expression is not straight forward to him. However he does do these things himself when he speaks but maybe he is oblivious to it. I know he lacks a lot of voice inflection because he tends to speak in monotone but at times he can be so funny when he uses his hands a lot in conversation. He looks like a small adult.

I need to pay attention to his way of expressing things when we talk. I have grown so accustomed to his mannerisms that I tend to neglect noting differences in his communication style as he grows older and what still does not sink in with him regarding face to face communication from me and others.

These are areas that I worry if I don't help with that they will cause him to face bigger obstacles later. I wish I could get him to try occupational therapy again but after his traumatic experience a few years ago he refused to go back and I think it would be hard to even bring it up. I'll have to invest a blog post just on discussing that one day.

The value of seeing what a person is saying without speaking especially through eye contact and expression in the eyes is crucial. It's almost a sort of like flying blind without it.

Health & Wellness

2011-07-07T09:28:00.000-05:00

So this week has a been a full on health and wellness week with doctor appointments all week. I've had appointments Tues, Wed and today. They were all preventative visits though so it was good. The best part was my employer's new medical insurance does not require copays for preventative visits. Awesome.

Tuesday I had the dreaded gynecologist appointment, yesterday a physical at a new doctor's office and today the mammogram. TMI? I don't think so. How many women talk openly about their health and what they are doing to take control of their health. Not many... Why is it such a taboo topic to speak about female health? It's not like I'm showing you what they did or even describing it.

I am working very hard this year to improve a lot of my eating habits as well as continuing to increase my resistance or weight training. Women lose more bone and muscle density after the age of 35 than they realize and working out it one of the best ways to prevent injuries in old age. If you have lost muscle mass and bone density, guess what? If you fall, you'll be like humpty dumpty all broken up and it will be hard to put you back together again. For one, osteoporosis is going to make it hard for bones to heal and two, your lack of muscle mass will make it even harder to recover from the injury because you won't be strong enough.

So get started thinking about your health because there is no point in making plans for the future if you are going to decrease it by being overweight, out of shape and in physical disrepair at an early age. It's also the most unselfish thing you can do. If you are in shape your kids won't have to take care of you when they are starting their own families. The financial burden that you alleviate off of them is the best thing you can do. People never think about how their own health affects everyone else too.

Blogging Break

2011-07-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

I took a blogging break for several reasons. The foremost reason was that I just did not have much to say. The rest of the reasons added to the need to just keep to myself. You know those feelings that bubble up in your writing even when you try to supress them, I just did not want that to be the energy here.

My son is with his dad this weekend. The tail end of my week brought me bad news in the form of financial obstacles I still face from when I was married. Unfortunately, I cannot qualify for any kind of loan to purchase a home because of a bad decision I let myself be talked into by my ex before we divorced. Instead of selling the home we had at the time we did a quit claim deed arrangement with some bonehead who swore he would refinance the home under his name after three years. I was sure it was a some scam but I was tired of the fights and long story short now I am stuck. I still can't move forward with anything until I hire an attorney to help me find this idiot and have him refinance. Unfortunately my dumb ass ex sold the property he used as collateral on that contract and also lost the only copy of that agreement we had and none of the lawyers that wrote it up seem to have any copies either. So yeah it sucks and even after 7 years I am stuck joined to this idiot by a home I can't even live in.

But I am not going to let that ruin everything ... at least I have a nice condo to live in even if I just rent. After watching some home improvement shows I am consoled to have been lucky not to have bought a home with thousands of problems that requires thousands of dollars be sunk into it and have to pay for it myself. If anything breaks here, even the dishwasher, the landlord has to fix it. I don't have home owner association fees and my neighbors are pretty decent people.

Maybe one day I will no longer be stuck like this financially.

For now I am just going to focus on my son and building up my running distance by continuing to work out and strengthen my body. What's the point in wanting anything if I won't be healthy and happy enough to enjoy it, right?

Funny Stuff my kid says...

2011-06-23T08:35:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to list all the hilarious things my son says here but he's said and done some really funny things. I once posted on Facebook what my son said when he was eating some chocolate. He loves chocolate but it has to be certain types. It used to be he loved hershey kisses and bars but something changed and the taste is no longer as appealing as Reese's mini cups. Anyways, at the time he was enjoying his chocolate kisses and even had his eyes closed as he savored the chocolate. Now I can't quite recall what he said before he opened his eyes but I can't forget what he said when he did, he looked at me sideways and asked me in a slightly whispered urgent tone, "What are you doing in my chocolate kingdom?" It was the funniest thing ever. He always hates when I laugh at what he says though as if he is completely serious and it's not laughing matter.

The other day we were watching an action packed movie, The Bourne Supremacy. There was a scene when they were being attacked that later led to a kissing scene (nothing inappropriate really - at least I don't think it was). When they were kissing my son turned to me and asked, "They aren't going to get attacked now are they?" To which I casually just said "No." since I'd already seen the movie before. He then said, "Good because that would totally ruin the moment." He says really funny things like that, that don't seem like something a kid would say but are so appropriate to the moment.

That is one reason why I never understood echolalia. Because they make it sound like it's a random repetition of something that does not suit the situation. But my son has actually and often does use phrases from movies that suit the conversation to some degree. However there are a few that don't or don't seem to make sense to me. For instance, one time I was telling my son something I was going to do or was asking him his opinion and he turned to me, mocking a cartoon character's deep throaty voice and said, "I only have one thing to say to that, and that is 'whatever floats your boat!' - He also called me a character's name but I can't remember it now.

It's not an everyday thing though. It is often when he's in his best and most playful moods that he does this which leads me to believe it's his way of expressing he's feeling good, feeling playful and at ease. It's these times that I know his personality is shining through. I don't think he'd be the same little person if he weren't autistic or have Aspergers. Maybe he would but I would not know him the way I do now, that's for sure.

Who does this?

2011-06-22T08:27:00.001-05:00

I was reading this funny post on Elephant Journal about keeping track of your menstrual cycle. I have tried this before but it just never works for me. I've tried other things like counting calories, carbs and diet related journaling but I end up frustrated with how time consuming it is. I am better at just tracking expenses on my checkbook because I am motivated by not overspending.

But tracking my menstrual cycle is the least of the others that I ever made an effort to keep track of. There are even phone apps for this. :-/ However, it would probably have helped me plan ahead for when to plan outings with my son. Now that he's 10 years old he will be more comfortable using his own bathroom stall in public restrooms. I still let him go to the ladies room with me because I will not take chances sending him to the men's restroom where he might be prey to a pedophile. Yes I am that paranoid. So.

When he was much smaller and he'd go in the same stall with me, explaining my period was a challenge. It's not like he would just turn around and give me my privacy. He'd have to check everything out. If he heard the wrapper of a pad or tampon he had to see what I was doing. I'd already be so uncomfortable about the noise giving it away but then my son would have to loudly ask, why are you putting that there. Lord! This may be TMI (too much information) but if you're a mom of a young child, boy or girl, explaining these things can be a challenge. The cutest thing he said when he noted we were different (down there) and finally I guess in his young child logic assumed it was like a belly button ... he said he had an outie and I had an innie. LOL

Anyways, I used to call pads, mommy diapers but when my son did finally see a used one he was alarmed by the sight. So I had explain the process of how babies grow not how they are conceived. I think he still does not understand that or knows fully how that happens. At least the mom side of me that hopes he's still that innocent thinks he does not know. There's also the mom side of me that creeps in thinking, ohhh some older brother of a friend of his has probably told him something he's not ready to hear.

How have you handled these scenarios? I think it's funny at times but also frustrating because privacy is hard to get with small children around.

Life is a test...

2011-06-18T12:21:00.001-05:00

Life is a test? I read this in the inspiring book titled "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." I really think that humorous - "Life is a test, it is only test, had this been real life you would have been instructed on where to go and what do." - phrase really does not do justice to what life is. Life is the real deal. You get no dress rehearsal, no dry run, no chances to get it right ... it just happens. You are born and get started, absorbing, taking it all in, learning, ... which I think to some extent, childhood is your chance to learn as much as possible about being an adult and everything else.

Children witness so much and they take in things about their parents and other adults around them. Thinking of this makes me wonder how my son perceives his life and his parents. I have chosen to stay single and commit my energy to my son and our needs. Whether he understands that is another issue. On the other hand, my ex has moved on and started dating after his third divorce (I was his 2nd wife). I don't know if I should say he's brave or stupid. But I do know this... others are observing and they have their own opinions. My ex-MIL said this recently when we were discussing it... "it's as if he's afraid of himself." Is it possible that some people can't be alone. They need another person because the world on their own is just too much?

Is it also possible that some of us know nothing about being with others or can't seem to really find a way to make it work. When I was with my ex, I felt I lost my identity. I felt like I was absorbed into his world and lost all dimensions that made me, "me". I think this has to do a lot with how I grew up. My parent's relationship in many ways really affected how I viewed marriage. I had always told myself I would never get married because it just meant the horror of constant fighting. So when I got married, I felt not only like I went against what I vowed not to do but I also realized I would need to make it work. I did everything I could to make it work. I avoided fighting by giving in to stuff I did not want to do or had no interest in doing just to not put ripples in the pond, so to speak. But as time progressed I could not find myself in those layers of complacency and compromise. Even now I am not sure who possessed me at the time and what I was thinking. Maybe love is blind but I think it's also wanting so much to be with someone that makes you sell yourself short.

When I find myself wanting something or someone, I have to question how happy I'd be with that decision in the long term because some things just don't work for me and I know me better than anyone else.

That is what I want to impart to my son. If anything, it is for him to know himself and ,as cliche as it may seem or Shakespearean, for him to Be True to Himself. Because life is not a dress rehearsal, a test or experiment. It's your time to shine and live it how you want, be it good bad or in between. I may not agree with his choices but I hope he lives how he chooses and not tosacrifice his needs for someone else, unless he's happy to do that for someone else.

Every day a learning experience...

2011-06-15T10:10:00.003-05:00

It's been a few days since I posted and a few days since my son's first sleep over at my condo. It was not the hardest thing I've ever done nor the easiest but I'm not a huge fan of having people over for several reasons. I don't like having people especially nosy ones in my home. I've had past experience (ex-MIL) with the type of people that assume because they know you that they can tell you what to do with your home or go through my things.

Things I've learned about my son:
My son ...

is much cleaner than I thought
really listens to me
tolerates others better than I do
has less control issues than I do (good thing)
can adapt regardless of what we think

I came to these conclusions because after looking under the toilet seat I was disgusted. I knew my son did not urinate so sloppily. I had to wipe down the toilet seat and rim thoroughly after just one night of having another boy child in my home. My son is very clean in the bathroom. Probably because I fussed at him a lot about being messy. After he stayed up to pick up the toys in the living room regardless of his friend going to sleep I knew he really listened to me. My son's friend is a bit pushy and demanding. My son seems to handle that well and had no meltdowns around him while with me, though my ex-MIL reports that when they stay at her house my son has actually hit his friend when he upsets him. I don't like that he hits but it also shows he won't sit back and take anyone's treatment. By watching him this weekend, I see he shows great restraint when his friend irritates him so I know when he does hit it's when he's pushed to a point. My son does not have much issues with his friends getting into his toys as long as it's not a toy he does not want to play with, such as a toy it took him a while to build. My son dealt with the change of pace at my place well considering that he could not have his usual bedtime routine and there was a thunderstorm going on while he stayed up to clean up the living room.

Things I learned or knew about myself that cropped up strongly:
I...

have control issues
don't like people in my home
need to just let it go sometimes
don't like pushy demanding people
would not enjoy having more kids (glad I decided one was enough)
can be very critical about other people's behavior

In general I knew these things about myself but I am reminded of how strongly I feel them when my space feels invaded. For my son I want to be able to be more tolerant because otherwise I would isolate him from having his friends around our home. Since I deal with mostly adults I don't deal with very pushy ill mannered persons and most respect my space and privacy. Children do not always conform to these social norms, let alone kids with autism.

Things I found annoying about the sleep over included the lack of space I have to host this in a small 2 bedroom condo. Behaviors that I did not like included the constant asking for things. I was brought up to not be pushy and demanding especially not in my own home. A few people mentioned that the constant need to eat was a comfort thing and to some extent I agree with that. I can see where this would be a likely cause.

I did not like however that when we did go to the store to get them a snack of their choice he also asked for more than I offered, that he requested we go to McDonald's again the next day when we were headed to my ex-MILs house (I said no, because we can't afford to eat out everyday) and although my ex-MIL ordered pizza that night, the very next day he asked her to wake up her husband so he could go get them McDonald's and though she has a house full of snacks, none she had were what he wanted.

Regardless of autism, this is hard for me to accept as a trait of being autistic - mostly because my son is not like that and has been told that this type of behavior is unacceptable and he's committed that to memory. It's possible that my son being more timid makes him less likely to be demanding but I really think that some things are what your parents teach you regardless of what your nature is. I also would have expected the parent to offer to bring snacks the child likes as not to impose on the parents hosting the sleep over. These are things I would do. I would send my son with snacks or food of his liking, because I know my son would never eat what others offered but I'd also tell the hosting parent so they'd be expecting him to only eat the snacks/food he has with him and secondly I'd send him with some cash in case they went out and he wanted something to drink, eat or what have you.

Let Go but don't Relinquish

2011-06-11T11:20:00.001-05:00

If you read yesterday's post you can probably tell, I am a bit of a control freak. Tip of the week for me is: Let Go. But not relinquishing control completely. I need to learn to chill a bit about things I cannot control.

I have had chest pain since knowing for sure I was keeping another child in my home. I think it was partly anxiety and partly exercise soreness from so many downward dogs doing yoga this week.

I have somewhat relinquished the living room to a lego jungle that my son and his friend created so they (both have aspergers) can just have at it. Yesterday however, I set some ground rules: careful with furniture, drinks on coasters, no toys on furniture, don't eat all the snacks in one sitting, use napkins, dishes in sink, video gaming ends by 10 - I caved and let them go to 11 but my son minded me and they were moving to non-video games probably before 11.

When I came out of my bedroom near 1AM his buddy was asleep on the couch and my son was up. He did admit his buddy fell asleep before helping clean up the living room. But he was a good boy and cleaned up the living room so I helped him clean up his room. I did tell him that I did not like that his friend did not stay up to clean up but they are kids after all. Yet they need to learn, you clean up after yourself and help others when you contributed to the mess.

The storm woke me so I was fearful that the two were cowering on the couch freaking out. Come to find my son was afraid but cleaned up and then he crawled into bed with me while his friend snored on the couch.

They may be spending the night at my ex-MIL's house. She keeps lots of snacks (junk food) so his buddy will be in hog heaven, no pun intended. Plus my son has piles and piles of sickening amounts of legos and other toys at her house. The kid lacks in no form of entertainment anywhere he goes. This is precisely why when I hear the words "I am bored", that I want to pull his ears and wonder where the gratitude is.

Sleep Over

2011-06-10T18:34:00.001-05:00

My son is having a sleep over. His first sleep over at my house. He's had sleep overs at his grandmothers and they work out great because she's got more room for them to make noise and run around.

I had to lay down some house rules. Cups on coasters, clean up toys when starting a new activity and most playing goes on his bedroom. I have a two bedroom condo, it's very small and noise travels from room to room so I also have to set some bedtime rules. Gaming needs to end by 10pm and they need to limit playing to his room after that and hit the sack by midnight at least.

I took my son and his friend to McDonald's to eat and boy can this kid eat. He had two cheeseburgers, a strawberry banana smoothie, large fries, and a free pie since he supersized his meal and then got a huge coke. My son only had half his plain double hamburger and fries and half his drink. For an Aspie his friend has little to no food texture aversions or sensory issues with food compared to my son. The pie would have been to lumpy and slimy for my son. I don't enjoy many pies for that very reason. I hate lumpy food and anything too gooey or slimy.

One thing I am a bit put off with is his asking for food now that we are at my house. It's one thing to be hungry but we ate at around 4pm and he had a huge meal. I guess I am picky but I would probably pack some of my son's favorite things to send with him if he slept over anywhere or was to stay anywhere for an extended period of time. My son would probably not eat anything they offered otherwise. I offered his friend cheez-its but he wanted chips or hotdogs. I was like whoa, we're not just gonna sit around and snack. Hopefully the rest of the night won't be a food fest request. After such a large meal at McDonald's I would think a light meal will do for them sometime soon. I would think my son could do with a meal since he ate half his meal but even he won't ask for much when the time comes.

Anyways, I don't think I am being difficult am I? I just think sometimes people don't really impress upon there kids to mind their manners. I don't think being autistic should be a reason to be pushy or demanding. My son always asks first if he can do something even in our own home.

For the most part I am okay with the sleep over but I really wish I had a game room where they could hang where I would not feel like all my space is taken up.

They found some sparklers they want to use later so that will be a good way to get them outside when it cools down some. I am going to take them to the grocery store and let them pick out a soft drink and snack of their choice for the rest of the weekend. But big boy needs to ration it so he does not run out. I am not Bank of C... LOL ... keeping other people's kids is not cheap.

Decisions

2011-06-05T13:14:00.003-05:00

When I showed the mobile home locations and presented the option to move to my son, I asked him a lot of questions. He answered most and liked the lake view location most. That location has the least space of all 3 mobile homes at this place though so we'd have to down size a good bit on belongings and it has limited closets and storage.

I was really impressed as we drove home when my son said we should create a T diagram to list all the good and bad things about moving. It was adorable and all at once so grown up of him. At 10 years of age he's got a lot of good ideas and his scope of understanding sometimes blindsides me.

Although we never got around to doing the T diagram or cross T diagram to point out the pros and cons of possibly moving, I have made the decision not to move. I like where I am and I have added storage here. However, it's not everything I want but neither are the places I looked at. They are too small and ultimately lack a lot of things I want in a permanent home. I looked at 3 mobile homes and each had a lot of what I want but lack more than what I need.

When my ex knew I was looking at places he offered to sell me a mobile home he got himself into about 6 months ago. It's not a terrible place but needs too much work and it's got wood paneling all over on the interior making it too dark for me. I don't thrive in dark rooms. I need light. Upon setting foot in his place, I was reminded of how messy he is. The place was cluttered with things all over the floor, unmade beds, car parts, blankets, and hampers in plain sight.

We talked briefly and I let him know it was just not going to do for me and the whole mobile home things was probably not going to work for me. The plus side of the mobile home park he's in is that it is gated, his place is right across from the community center, it's much closer to my son's bus stop, and the assumed loan would be under $6000. It may seem like I am being picky but the low assumed loan would come with the possibility of lots more work to be done. Money I don't have.

In conversation I learned that his current divorce is still ongoing and that his wife is now dating and the boyfriend is harassing him by texting him and pretending he's his wife. My ex however is also dating again and that was what started the texts because the wife suddenly wants back in the picture but I think she just wants back in because he appears to be moving on. Why do women do that?

Anyways, I realize I am better off where I am and that I have provided the best environment for my son that I can while avoiding further complicating my life with crazy relationships that could hurt him. Unlike my ex but to his credit I think trouble finds him no matter what he does and also because of poor choices.

Maybe I will still work on the cross T diagram with my son, it will be a lesson for him in making choices, weighing alternatives and not jumping into things without thinking.

The Pros / The Cons

2011-06-03T14:28:00.001-05:00

Okay, I need the help of my fellow bloggers to gain some objectivity on what to think about when making a decision. I am presented with the ability to live near a local lake but the home is a single wide mobile home. I have always had a low opinion of any type of mobile / trailer home living. I guess it's a judgmental type thing because I associate mobile homes with low class trashy people. Not that I am so high class either but I guess it's a stupid stereotype and I need to look at this with a different perspective.

I have lived in a rental condo for many years and I can't afford to purchase anything with payments over $700 and don't want to pay more because I want to have money for other things other than just a place to live, like to retire or some non-essential activity like the movies or going out.

My worry is on all the possible pros and cons and the potential for being swayed by a lake view setting. The cost of the monthly payment would be as much as my rent. However, mobile homes depreciate in value and there is no potential to own land. However, many of the mobile home owners on the lot use their homes as summer, weekend and holiday breaks. Meaning most of the people living or owning a home there could be considered well established and not around much. Could be a plus but a negative too. Privacy but also opportunity for too much solitude. Not the best and safest situation for a single mom. However, management does criminal background checks on all tenants over 18.

My question is ... what is your opinion of that type of investment if it can even be called that because I'd never be able to sell it for more than what I spend on it but I can always rent it or keep it and use it as a summer place if I ever move elsewhere. Are there any hidden mobile home issues that I have not considered? It seems upkeep is much like a regular home, roofing, gutters, caulking and a/c filters and other misc. things. What am I missing and should I care that I might be called trailer trash at some point? I say that in good humor mostly because I don't care about that, I care more that I may be throwing money away and only earning the title of trailer trash.

Good things I can think of:
A lake view for me and my son.
A place to run and play for my son.
A nice porch to enjoy the view.
Good property management from what I can see.
Nice community

Bad things I can think of:
A bit further from where I work.
Busy area near lake during holidays

Time is flying…

2011-06-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

I catch myself saying things I used to find annoying that adults said to me when I was in my early to late teens.

“Wow, you are so young!”, when someone tells me they are under 20.

“You have so much ahead of you.”, when I hear kids complain about how much they have to work to get the things they want.

The most recent that caught even me by surprise was when I was shopping at Best Buy. The girl that was ringing up my purchase told me she was 16. I not only uttered the first “wow, you are so young!” but I then added, “My son is 10. You are only 6 years older than him and that means he will be driving in 6 years.” The girl even said, “yeah, when you put it that way I do feel really young.”

That really made the room swish for me … you know that feeling like the ground/floor is somehow moving one way and you the other and your knees have turned to elastic in one quick move. That’s how I felt.

My son will be able to drive in fewer years than he’s been alive. Yikes. Time sure does fly when you’re wishing your baby would stay little forever. He always looks like such a big boy and then I see those sweet innocent eyes look at me and I think, “is he really going to become a rotten teenager soon?”

I dropped him off at his grandparents house to go to work this morning and I asked for a hug before I left as usual. He hugged me nice and tight. My next thought, seems morbid, but I thought of a co-worker who recently suffered a loss. The father of her third child died in a head on car accident two weeks ago and I guess I thought of that because you just never know when it’s your turn, so get those hugs while you can.

Looking Back and Forward

2011-05-31T21:43:00.001-05:00

Many years ago I posted this poem about some childhood memories. Today standing on the porch of my condo I realize the screened door and porch views, sights, sounds and smells are so different. I grew up in Los Angeles and suburbs of Los Angeles County. The sound of rushing traffic, street lights, random gun shots, noisy neighbors are in such contrast to the humid, warm nights full of bug sounds here in Georgia during the summer. Although I can hear traffic from where I live and a train passing every now and again, it's not the same but the memories I create and the happiness I can provide for my son is in my hands as much as it can be. It's not perfect but it's an "enough" kind of state of mind I want to provide him with just enough of a hint of need to learn and explore more.

Today we bought and repotted the plants below. He loved the size and look. He said he liked the fuzzy one the best. They are beautiful echevarias and sedum plants from cactuscollection.com in Vista, California.

My son really did not help me repot these because he does not like to get his hands dirty. Aspie issues. I don't like getting my hands dirty either but I tolerate it until I can wash my hands.

Earlier, this evening before sundown, we sat on the porch and read. My son found three books for summer reading at the library so he got started on Maniac Magee. He also got Harriet the Spy and The Falcons Egg. He did as I suggested and read the first few pages to see if he wanted to check them out. Looks like these three peaked his interest.

The picture on the top left is our cozy little spot on our porch where we've started to spend more time. It's been very enjoyable and the humidity is not too bad once it's cooled down enough. It's peaceful, private and safe. We have great neighbors right now.

I hope the memories my son has of his childhood not only help him feel content about his life but also help mold his future in a way that fills him with a sense of direction and desire to learn and experience the world on his own terms. I never want him to feel tied down or that he is expected to stay and take care of anyone. His future is his and his life is for him to build based on what he wants and needs. As long as he lives an honest and moral life with moderation I would never feel wronged if he moved away as I have. I want him to see the world even if I have to stay here and worry about him.

My memories, good or bad, have afforded me my perspective on life and the ability to be who I am and appreciate what I have.

Finding Meaning

2011-05-30T05:44:00.001-05:00

I like to read this inspirational book I found among some goods which were confiscated from a heroine addict. The items confiscated included many books (and other items being sold in a yard sale) but one caught my eye and it is called "The Promise of a New Day". Today, the closing line for today's reading said to find meaning in the company of others.

Sometimes people forget how much they can learn from one another. Even if their points of view are not in agreement, people can still open their minds long enough to find some value in each others need to be heard, seen, and understood.

This is probably why I find it hard to label myself into a group because I don't always agree with everything that is part of what I grew up with but I am not bound to the notion of finding some group to which I need belong.

Everyone offers some value to any situation even when they are being negative or angry. Looking at someone that is out of control makes one realize that sometimes we forget we've been to the depths of despair that have brought us almost to that point. It's easy to become judgmental and say, "I'd never be like that or do that!" But no one knows what they'd be like until presented with similar or identical circumstances.

So learning from the company of others does not mean looking for the best in everyone or what is "like" us in people we look up to but also what's like us in the worst of us and understand that the worst in someone is caused by many things and some beyond the control of the person going through them at that particular time.

For me, I can apply this to how I feel when other parents watch my son if he's having a meltdown or when he does his hand flapping in response to something exciting. I don't know what they are thinking but I know that I truly think it's interesting to watch them watch us. I wonder what opinions they are formulating about us and how wrong or right they might be, what experiences they've had to make them who they are, and what they might be going through right now that makes them notice or not notice what's going on around them.

I try often not to judge people for how they are or their beliefs but I still do and I know I have my reasons. But I sometimes re-evaluate those reasons and consider how they represent who I am and what people might feel about me and how it limits my learning to shut things out with judgment. So finding meaning in the company of others is not about agreeing with someone else, it's about seeing the world in a new way and learning something new about someone else and yourself.

Patience

2011-05-29T13:50:00.002-05:00

My son asked me why it was okay for me to get annoyed at my laptop when it was slow but why I did not like it when he got mad at his Playstation, DSi or the Wii when he could not win at a game. Kids will notice everything.

I told him he was right that I should be more patient in general. I told him that the difference, though not an excuse to be impatient, was that my frustrations were limited to a few, every now and again. I explained that his outbursts were a daily thing and that they were often several times per day.

I am not a super patient person and I know what particular things bring out the worst in me. I don't always know what sets my son off but most often it's not being able to do something right, not being able to win at games, or having to do something he's not happy about doing.

Patience is not my strength. When I want to accomplish something, I tend to be in a huge hurry to get it done. Either something or someone is being slow or I am in a hurry and nothing can be fast enough.

I am the most impatient while driving. I absolutely hate slow drivers but sometimes I try to remind myself that everything serves a purpose. If I had gotten through the light, I may have been in the accident that happened moments before I got on the freeway.

Sometimes I try to impart this piece of knowledge/wisdom to my son but he's yet too young to fully appreciate how a delay can be a blessing in disguise. Like unanswered prayers, sometimes there is a reason your heart's desire is blinding you from seeing what's really standing there before you.

Change & Guidance

2011-05-25T07:12:00.000-05:00

Growing up and growing older doesn't just mean you change. Everything and everyone around you changes. Sometimes these changes are hard because not everyone has the same idea of what is good for them. I hope that when the time comes for my son to make decisions for himself that he will choose those that will benefit him.

I talk about showing him the right way all the time but I am only a like life's tour guide. Once he goes beyond my scope and what I know I hope that he meets people that are kind and genuine.

I had two such teachers growing up. Mrs. A and Mrs. G. I won't use the real last names. Both teachers looked out for things in my behavior that alerted them to something being off. They immediately called my mother in for conferences if I lost too much weight, became too withdrawn or had a sudden and unexplainable outburst. I had those a handful of times.

Because these two women took note of me, it made me take a closer look at myself and realize I was not invisible. People do notice me and I matter and what I do does matter. It was a crossroads for me, because at that point I realized I had more control than I realized. I could make my life better or worse but it also mattered who was there to catch me sometimes.

I don't know if Mrs. A is even alive anymore. She was my 7th grade teacher and Mrs. G was my 8th grade teacher. Mrs. G is most likely a grandmother by now. She was about my age when I was in 8th grade. Both these women helped shape who I am and how I live my life. If I could thank them in person I would.

Thank you for these women who were put in my path and for the others that will be there for me and help me.

Setting Expectations

2011-05-23T08:29:00.000-05:00

This article by Autism Support Network really resonates with me. I always expect my son to attempt to improve, to try and to put his best foot forward in anything he does. Even if he eventually decides it's not for him, at least he tried his best.

For the longest time, grandma has been going out of her way to find and buy my son shoes with velcro and I was okay with that (especially the cost savings) but I finally decided it was time to challenge him. I took my son to a Nike outlet not long ago; maybe three to 4 weeks ago. The first shocker was that my son needed to wear a men's shoe in size 7.5. Yikes. He's 10 and can no longer fit a child shoe size. The second shock of amazement was that I was able to talk him into trying to tie the laces as he tried them on. I showed him the bunny ears process of tying and then the double knotting to keep the laces snugly tied. I did also have the ulterior motive to find him shoes he could wear to run with me and double as shoes he can wear to school. He'll run with me sometimes. He's actually been able to run up to 1.5 miles without stopping.

At first, while looking for the new shoes and found some to try on, he resisted and looked like he was ready to go towards meltdown mode. However, he's learned to read my face. He could see I was not about to back down and I had the look of determination. It could also have been because it was a weeknight and he was tired and wanted to go home and play video games so he just caved. That also made me think, crap, now he'll only wear them today and never again. But as it turns out, he's been wearing them all the time and not asking for his velcro Sketchers.

My beautiful son :)

He struggles with the laces but less every time unless it's one of those mornings but he never has wanted the velcro ones back. I like to think I have a hand in his ability to not give up on trying to tie those shoes and wear them. They look great and he looks more put together. His friends at school commented on his shoes and I think that has helped him want to continue to wear them as well.

I always tell my son that anything worth having is worth working hard for. If you get things too easily you don't appreciate them as much as when you had to work and earn them yourself. This in turn makes you appreciate what you get for free even more because you realize the value of the item before you. So likewise the value of what you have achieved will shine brighter and make you more complete. The expectations I set today will be his successes tomorrow, not mine. I just want the peace of mind of knowing he can take care of himself when I am no longer around.

Dreaming

2011-05-21T13:22:00.000-05:00

This week wore me out. The weeks I have my son I have to get up at 5AM to get ready and get him to his bus pick up on time. I try to get up at this time even when he's with his dad but some days I just can't. Keeping the routine of waking up at the same time does help sometimes. I try to get up and work out and get ready for my day.

I could tell this week took a lot out of me because last night while I was dozing off on the couch I finally made myself go to bed, but I when I woke up this morning I could not remember falling asleep after I got in bed. I just remember getting in bed and putting my phone on the table by my bed and that's it. I woke up this morning from the strangest dream. And I slept through the night no interruptions (nice - feel so rested).

I dreamt I was re-enlisting in the military. The reason why, I don't really remember in the dream but I do remember going to a place like my old reserve unit where they basically laughed at the fact that I used to serve for that particular unit. It made no sense why. My military days in reality were short ... I served 7 years active reserve and 1 year inactive ready reserve and much of the time it did not feel like being in the military because the vast majority I served one weekend per month and 2 week exercsises per year. My basic training was typical and the same as all over active duty soldiers.

The dream progressed to the point where we end up in combat in some third world country or the middle east somewhere. We go into some hide out building. In the building we go through a myriad of corridors and secret doors that lead us to an area of the building where we could see into the home of a poor homeless family making due living in another part of the same empty building. At some point in the dream me and the other soldier, who remained faceless to me through the dream, end up helping this family.

As the dream took us out back into an open area and headed away from helping this family, somehow the faceless soldier and I both realize that this is what we'll continue doing. Though words aren't exchanged it seems through most of my dream, I somehow knew what the dialogue would have been.

I seldom dream or remember my dreams so the details and the ability to remember this dream left me baffled. At any rate I attribute it to my more rigorous exercising and eating better and cutting back on my calorie intake. I am trying to lose over 30 pounds and tone up. I've also started to make an effort to drink more water. I am breaking it up to drinking 8+ ounces every hour for most of the day if I can. This will make it less overwhelming to drink that much water. Yesterday I succcessfully drank 50 ounces.

Selective Mutism

2011-05-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

I was just re-reading my static post page for my Son and realized that when he refused to speak to certain people it was what they call selective mutism. I always just thought that it was more a choice for him when he would speak and that he was just being head strong when he would not. I now realize it's a sort of paralysis from social anxiety issues or social interaction inabilities. I like to compare it to how I sometimes feel when I have too much going on and instead of starting with one thing I end up paralyzed and stressed on the couch not knowing where to start. I do that a lot. I even have this nervous tick of scratching my scalp when I get overly stressed. My ex-husband found it annoying that he could hear my nails scratching my scalp. It's rather gross come to think of it but I can't help that I do that. In thinking of my own quirks I can't help but feel bad for never understanding his inability to speak at certain moments.

Sometimes I realize that I can't put myself in his shoes or his head and see the world through his eyes entirely but I can find situations in which I behave quite the same way in response to what I perceive as stressful situations.

Last night I really made an effort to allow him to do his thing and eat what he wanted. He only wanted two slices of cinnamon toast and strawberry milk all night long and I was okay with that. All I wanted was the leftover bread sticks from Pizza Hut we had the other day and two small squares of Ghirardelli chocolate. I was exhausted, I had a sore throat and I just wanted to play Words with Friends and not care about the dishes, laundry or the clutter.

Sometimes letting go is the best thing. Letting things slide once in a while is good. Being completely obsessed with having it all and having it now is another way of shortening your life and ruining the opportunity for a happiness in the now and what you have right now.

Are you going to nag me all night!?

2011-05-17T06:25:00.005-05:00

The bean

Are you going to nag me all night? Is the question my son posed as I continued to press him about details on his day at school yesterday. From why was math upsetting, why was writing unclear to why were you upset at lunch. I swear getting him to talk is like pulling teeth. He'd make a great spy because I can scarely get a bit of information out of him. EVER! (Picture to the left is him blocking my attempts at getting his picture and he's down to his tighty whities because he hates wearing clothes)

So the following is great intel for me as a mom to be able to gather without resorting to tickle threats and withholding strawberry milk.

He got upset at lunch particularly because as he put it "some random lady was sitting in "his" spot in the cafeteria where he always sits." I did not know you could stake claim to a spot in a ginormous cafeteria. At any rate this ruined lunch and so he stomped off to the class and refused to eat. He said that anytime one person is off their seating arrangement it just messes everything up because no one is where they are supposed to sit. This gaggle of (4) aspies all come from the same self contained asperger class (2 others only eat in class) he's in and they all apparently have the same issue with losing their specific claim to a spot at this one table in the cafeteria.

That's got to be an awesome meeting of so many little like-minded minds. I asked him what they talk about and he said random stuff. I said like what? and he said just whatever we feel like talking about that day. Such vagueness. Sickening!

The rest of his disappointments at school included a math issue and a writing issue.

The math upset as he explained was that the original explanation of perimeter and area solution was not accurate to the explanation he got in math class and that just put is day into a tailspin.

The writing assignment was not clear and it flustered him so he ran to his usual spot under his desk to self-regulate. He told me he likes this spot because it is cool, dark and it is comforting under his desk. Once down there he was able to look up and see some key words the teacher wrote on the board and it clarified the writing assignment therefore enabling him to collect himself and come back and finish said assignment.

So I was asked if I was to nag him all night because I pressed to find out when he leaves like that do his other aspie comrades ask why and where he went. He simply said no. I asked whether his other friends do that and he said yes. I asked where they go and he said back to the class, where else? I asked if he asked them why or whether they asked him why he left and he said no. I asked if he wanted to know why they left and he said no. I asked why he did not want to know and he said because he did not care. No empathy there.

So he ate no lunch, he had strawberry milk for breakfast, antibiotics, no lunch (did I say that), just peanuts, strawberry milk and more peanuts and antibiotics at home and that was it. He would not eat anything else yesterday.

He had a program on autotune but with the PS2 on, the autotune would not do much good so he kept asking me the time all night long. I told him it was time for him to get a watch and then I asked him if he was going to nag me all night long. Touche!

Dojo Done with…

2011-05-16T10:01:00.001-05:00

It was a good run at it but my son has finally lost his desire for dojo.

There is a deep seated need to try to get him to go and not give up but there is also that very real need to let it go.

My parents, growing up, criticized us a lot about not being like friends of ours that were more athletically inclined or whatever it was they were better at than we were. I hate to make comparisons. Every child is different and making them feel less than someone they know in reality can make them feel that the parent would rather have a different child.

That is very discouraging to a child and it can leave them feeling like they will never be good enough. I should know. My mother was a very critical person.

She still can be.

On a visit to see my family several years back my mom kept fussing with my hair. She insisted I needed to brush it. I was like hello! Woman! Back off. I brush my hair but I have straight, fine, fly aways that are very sensitive to static and I hate hairspray and I drive with the window rolled down a lot. I am not going to helmet head myself to look perfectly coifed at all times, sorry no can do, I am not the helmet head soccer mom woman. No. Period. Not happening.
The funny thing is she can’t take criticism herself. She can tell you all day long what’s wrong with you but you turn tables on her and she’s the proverbial cat with claws out.

Anyways, I love my mom but sometimes I know too well that well intentioned parents are the reason many of us need years of therapy. Think before you speak are words I often think of now more than ever, not only because of the repercussions of what you say to people or what is said directly to you but also because my son has no filter – the Asperger’s trait you gotta love! He often just blurts and within earshot of people.

It’s usually really funny and appropriate to the situation but not appropriate manners wise.

Full circle, to the dojo done with decision… I am happy to move on and find another activity. So far running is the only thing I can seem to find that does not require him full contact with too many people, does not require too much coordination or balance really (just staying upright) and lacks complicated instructions and well timed movements of which he seems to be overwhelmed by at times to the point where it brings on a full meltdown.

I’d rather not dwell on being disappointed that he won’t do it. I never got the chance to try and he has so at least he can’t say we never attempted to give the opportunity to him.

Scarletina / Strep Throat

2011-05-14T14:21:00.000-05:00

My Aspie missed 3 days of school this week. Mother's day night he spent it curled up on my couch with a very bad headache. That night at his dad's he threw up and had a fever that spiked to 104. Next day his dad let him stay home but his symptoms continued. Then Tuesday he seemed better and went to school. Tuesday night symptoms returned but no vomitting. Wednesday he stayed home and Thursday back to school. Somewhere between Wednesday night and Thursday he developed a spidery looking rash on his arms, legs, face and back. It is pink with areas of redness that seem to be spidery legs that interconnect. It appears to show up most when he gets too hot or agitated.

The doctor called it Scarletina or Scarlet fever. She said that the modern name for those are strep. Strep can manifest itself in many ways and can omit the tell tale sore throat and coughing and only have symptoms of headache, nausea and rash.

I can't say I am too worried about it since he seems fine now but because he was at his dad's house I was stressed about not seeing for myself how he was doing. Now he is playing Stars Wars Battle Front II and bouncing of his seat with excitement shooting at everything.

This week has been an up and down of roller coaster emotions for me. Bad news from back home had me a bit derailed. Although I won't go into details about what the issue is, let's just say sometimes I am glad I can be far enough away from the drama that I don't get directly involved.

It's nothing some therapy or poetry won't fix I guess. LOL.

BTW we saw a new doctor and I loved her bedside manner. My son was very receptive to her considering his shyness and asperger's. He actually answered her questions and smiled alot.

Poetry - Huts

2011-05-10T08:25:00.000-05:00

I got a bit of bad news last night and it inspired this slightly angry sad and lonely poem. At least I can use my poetry as an outlet.

Huts

Some people are made to create ripples
In the very ocean they create...
Deep dark and haunted
A Hallowed out dead tree

The rest of us are there to ride the wave
Crashing in the riptide, through the air
Shredded to the core
An ax to take it down

Some smiles are penetrating dimples
And a laugh to never irritate
The soul, unlike the anger, leaves it unassaulted
The only thing to know it's free

The smiles of the rest, the habits of a slave
Minds accustomed to the pain, they're
Left nothing but an inner shore
For a refuge, lest break with just the effort of a frown

This life is crashing bits of hate
Like diamonds in rose cuts
Hurled to sharp points of perpetual purgatory fate
No matter what obtained the heart resides in drafty huts.

Well now that that is out of my system, I am going to get back to work and focus on better things.

Mother's Day Recap

2011-05-09T07:51:00.001-05:00

Mother's Day weekend was pretty uneventful. My son spent most of it with his dad. He spent Mother's Day afternoon and early evening with me. I treated myself to some raspberry and chocolate chip pancakes on Sunday morning. They turned out really good. I am not good in the kitchen so when anything turns out good, it's short of a miracle. The pancake mix came from Target. Archer Farms. That brand is pretty decent.

On Friday night I got myself a curling iron I had been wanting for a few weeks. I had a 20% off coupon so I went to Ulta and go it. It does those nearly swirl curls. I've posted a pic below. It does look better in person. It leaves your hair looking slightly tousled and wavy. I probably should have used a little hairspray because I am sure my hair will be straight by this afternoon.

Unfortunately, my son was not feeling well on Sunday. He had a really bad headache and just wanted to sleep. I had a migraine Friday afternoon so I was not too surprised he had similar issues just the same weekend. We seem to suffer the same types of migraine headaches. In fact I was worried when I had a migraine when I was pregnant with him thinking it would hurt him if I was feeling that badly but the doctors did not seem to think it was cause for alarm.

So Sunday he slept on the couch snuggled up next to me. He asked me to rub his back and his arms a few times but would doze off and start snoring. His little head and body felt really warm. I think being out and about in the heat earlier with his grandma wore him out.

I hope you enjoyed your Mother's Day. Below is a picture of my mom and the right bottom child is me when I was a little girl.

And my son and I in comparison - in our children photos. One of my aunts said, upon meeting my son the first time, "Oh my God, now I know what you'd look like as a boy." LOL

BTW, my sister cut my bangs really short so that is why I had these short bangs. She was being a mean big sister apparently.

Attitude Check

2011-05-05T13:28:00.001-05:00

I know my son appreciates me and it is illustrated in the picture below but last night he said he was anxious to go to his dad's because my life (meaning mine, not his) was boring. I was a bit put off but not angry at all. I told him that was mean of him to say.

I also pointed out if this had anything to do with how lavishly his grandma spends on him when he is over there, that he needed to not think life was exciting because he was always getting things. I told him I don't spend on you like that because I can't afford to and also because I want you to learn to appreciate what you have and understand the value of what you have so you will take care of it. He looked a bit miffed but said he was just joking. I knew it hit home. He gets spoiled rotten whereever he goes but more so at grandmas which is where he spends 80% of the time when he's with his dad. I don't want him to be a bratty kid.

Even though the world blames parents when kids misbehave or get in trouble with the law it takes a village and as you can see even those closest to your child can skew your child's value system. My son slowly has learned that getting stuff is more fun than playing with what he has but it is also showing him that without getting new stuff life gets dull. I think that is the reason we have a debt crisis in the U.S. Because parents, grandparents, media and the government do not place any more value in control, discipline and working hard and people just want the easy way, the gimme more greedy way.

Happy Mother's Day this weekend ladies! Remember we have a tough job and lots of influences at work on our kids besides what they see at home. I'm having one of these and enjoying my weekend.

Red Shirt

2011-05-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

I had to laugh at myself this morning. I looked in my son's backpack to sign the daily progress/behavior form his teacher sends home and realized I had not signed it for Monday. Duh! I noticed that it said wear red shirt for Field Day. That was yesterday. I hate when that happens. My son actually told me that sometime over the weekend but my porous brain leaked out that bit of precious information somewhere through the beginning of this week. Nice.

The funny part was that I sent him in a camouflage shirt. Anyone that knows me, knows I hate to dress my son in camo because I think it's so tacky, so typically good ole boy. At any rate, my ex-MIL has this intrinsic fascination with dressing him in all camo from head to toe sometimes. As if Georgia is not green enough to lose your child in the landscape, let's just make it a bit more interesting right? There's been times, (coincidentally on picture day) that she dressed him or his dad dressed him head to toe in camo. What I hated most was not just because it was camo, it was the fact that the camo was two different shades of green. The shirt was less faded than the cargo camo pants but faded to look cheap and over washed nonetheless. To boot the pants were too short, and his socks were a heather grey that nearly screamed look at me. I mean really? The kid already has enough reasons to get bullied and then you dress him like that. (I was in the military and I hated wearing camo ... I hate seeing it on people especially when it is worn sloppily and mismatched - and it's for hunting for Pete's sake.)

So this morning upon realizing that he was supposed to blend in by wearing a red shirt like everyone else for Field Day, I laughed heartily at the fact that I had him wear a camouflage shirt. I paired it with dark charcoal sweats though and athletic socks. He's back to hating denim, zippers, buttons and prefers soft elastic waist banded sweats, like an old man. :) I'll get him in jeans again, mark my words. LOL

Hygiene Issues

2011-05-03T08:07:00.001-05:00

I don't have hygiene issues but my son ... boy does he have issues with it.

I about have to sell a kidney to get that boy to brush his teeth, shower or put his clothes in the laundry basket, he'll even try to wear the same underwear or socks more than one day. My ex had issues with the laundry basket too; must be in the genes (men). LOL just kidding.

This morning I made my little man shower. He had bed head from hell. I was like oh (HELL) no! I am not letting you go to school like that. At dojo yesterday he got sweaty and when we got home he refused to shower. He wanted to play Star Wars Battle something or other II. I was too tired to pull out my metaphorical mommy light saber and duel it out to get him to go shower.

I was exhausted for whatever reason. I had the day off yesterday but that took a lot out of me. (I had the day off because I had to work Saturday). I think it was because I woke up a 4:45 AM, got him ready for school by 5:30 AM headed to his bus by 6:00AM, ran two miles by 7:30AM, lounged about til it was time to get him around 2:45, took him to grandma's before his dojo session, went to to dojo by 5:15PM, went back to his grandma's after dojo so he could show me some Lego creation he'd somehow forgotten to show me when we were there earlier and then I got sort of in the awkward position of staying for dinner so I had to be sociable until like 8:30PM and then drive home which put me back at my place at 9:00PM and there I lay until 11PM drooling on the couch dozing off like an old lady.

Anyways, back to the whole hygiene problem. I think it's an Asperger's side effect that tooth brushing and bathing (hygiene in general) are a huge challenge. Heck I am sure it's the same for all kids going through plain ordinary childhood. I don't know what you guys do but I find myself bribing the kid with toys sometimes just because other ways don't seem to work at all or work for a while and then they don't.

It's the part of parenting that is my least favorite because I like to be clean and I can't imagine why someone would not like being fresh and clean and in nice clean clothes.

This morning I had the energy to enforce the shower. I had gotten up at 4AM and did my P90X Core Synergistics work out and was feeling pretty invincible considering I did it through lower back pain and everything ... so at 5:30 AM when I woke that bedhead monkey up I ushered him into a clean and fresh day in the shower. It was liberating for me anyways. Tonight we vacuum and wash bedding ... his sweaty head was in that bed all night and it's bugging me even as I sit at work thinking about it. I have dash of OCD I think.

Mirror Mirror

2011-05-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

Whose the most irritable of them all?

Apparently me.

My son told me today that I am more irritable than his dad. Really now?

This started from a conversation where he said he would wait to play some new Playstation games he got while yard saling with his grandmother at his dad's. I had to work this Saturday morning from 8:00AM to 12:30PM so they went to neighborhood yard sales and they found each game for $5.00 each. They found lots of other stuff too. His paternal side of the family tend to be slight hoarders. They keep junk forever and half the time they don't know where they got and what it's for.

I did not understand why he could not play those games at my place so I asked why. And he said because I am more irritable than his dad. Apparently this means that I don't tolerate his less than fun behavior that results from not always winning at every game. He calls it "irratible" when I won't just sit there and ignore that he's angry and ready to meltdown over video games. I usually force him to take a break or play a different game.

His dad must let some of this just slide ... not that I don't but he can be impossible to live with when he does not win. It's quite annoying and yes it does make me irritable. At least he knows that I won't put up with his shenanigans. I tell you the boy knows what he can get away with, where and with whom. Asperger's or not he's got this down to a science.

It's not slipped past me unnoticed.

Intuitiveness

2011-04-30T19:25:00.000-05:00

The insight my son has is sometimes comical but also deep. As we left his grandparents house today and headed out to Tuesday Morning to do some shopping we somehow got on the topic of cats in our conversation.

I think the conversation came up because of a long time friend that moved to Tennessee who is a sucker for stray cats. She feels compelled to take them in and I was saying how cats are not like dogs, they don't seem to have the same need for mutual companionship as dogs or devotion to their owners.

I am sure some cat person is going to be mad I think cats are just selfish beings. Anyways my son wanted to know how you can tell an indoor cat from an outdoor cat and I said that if you declaw a cat he has to stay inside because he can't defend himself from other cats etc. An outdoor cat is not necessarily an outdoor cat per se because someone really owns that cat and it will want to come back in at some point. I'd say only wild/feral cats are true outdoor cats.

He wanted to know about how to keep a cat from running away and I was stressing the point that most people would never put a cat on a leash but by letting them out and about was like taking a risk because the cat could get hit by a car, killed (tried to avoid saying eaten) by a larger predator, get lost, or simply runaway or decide not to come back.

He wanted to know why they would not come back and why they would. I told him cats can take you or leave you. As long as they have somewhere to eat and sleep they pretty much might return but there are no guarantees. I told him cats are the pet that would probably say "whatever!" to you if it could talk.

And he replied, "So cats are like teenagers!"

I laughed out loud. That was the best thing I heard today. I'll have to remind him one day that he's being like a cat when he hits the terrible teen years.

Bus Ride Language

2011-04-28T08:33:00.000-05:00

My son rides the special needs bus or what some would call the short bus to school. His bus rides to and from school have gotten more and more uneventful since he was in kindergarten. It used to be he would not get on the bus, if the bus was different, there was a new parapro, or a different bus driver. Now he seems not to be phased by that. Odor, though, or the bus being too chilly is upsetting to him and I hear about it a lot.

The recent development in the bus was a situation with a very unruly little girl in the 2nd grade. I can't quite figure out if she truly is special needs or there is something else going on. My son says she's not in any of his classes for Aspergers kids and he mostly only sees her on the bus.

For whatever reason she becomes very hostile on the bus and kicks, screams and cusses a lot. Maybe she has Tourrette's Syndrome. My son apparently was telling my ex-MIL about this and had gotten pretty detailed about the language and the funniest thing is he compared the situation to me. My ex-MIL told me he said "that little girl cusses more than mommy does in one whole year."

He told my ex-MIL this - thanks kid.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. I mean it sounds like she cusses a lot in the bus but if that is more than I do in a year that can't be much, I mean can it? I'd need to know some pretty fancy math or statistics right now to wield out some mommy to 2nd grader ratios on how much is too much cussing for a year in terms of what a 4th grader thinks is too much.

http://www.nataliedee.com/

I mean clearly they (the ex-ILs) know I cuss, I was married to their intolerable son. Just kidding. He could be a total pain in my you know what though, so the F-bomb was dropped quite often around him or more so in his general direction. It did not often have much improved effect though.

My son (cringe) has heard me cuss because I can be quite an explosive hot blooded Latina when pissed off but I don't often lose my cool to that extent (mostly when I'm driving).

At any rate, the little girl will no longer be riding the bus it seems. Her behavior became too severe. She was kicking the windows with her bare feet, would not sit down and in general kept disobeying all bus rules and cussed a lot, more than me in a year. Due to her unruliness, the bus was delayed until after 4pm some days because the bus driver was having to go back to the school to leave that little girl in the care of some school administrator until her parents could come get her.

That's happened to us as well. When my son was too agitated to be allowed on the bus we had to go get him and the drive to his school is an hour from where I live with traffic. Damn that fricken traffic and all it's slow &%^*@ !# drivers. So there you have it... I have a potty mouth and my kid told on me.

Brain Balance Reading

2011-04-26T08:03:00.000-05:00

I've gotten to page 44 in the Brain Balance book titled Disconnected Kids by Dr. Robert Melillo. I can tell you like most other books on special needs it does have to cover the basics and explain it all and that can make me nuts because I want to get to the meat and potatoes. I know what my son has and what he does so let's get on with it.

I am a typical IT person. I don't read the manuals for anything and I learn by doing so sometimes, even though I love to read, I get impatient for the action, the results, the hands on so I can try it myself. I just need to learn to accept that that is not going to work with everything and I need to be patient and just read through what I think I already know. Sometimes I surprise myself and find that there are lots of things I think I had learned about only to find my perspective changed by re-reading something or taking someone else take on the same information.

At any rate, so far the logic that the two hemispheres are not in sync makes sense. The stronger one continues to strengthen while the weaker one flounders because the stronger one continues to strengthen making those neuron connections misfire.

I think my son fits the mixed dominance profile because he can do somethings better with his left side of his body but others better with his right side.

He definitely, if anything has some sensory processing symptoms and many have dissipated over time on their own. He used to be horrified of flushing toilets. He'd cover his ears and run around in the stall/bathroom like he was trying to run away. At home he'd run out before I could flush. It was funny sometimes because his reaction was so extreme but that's mean of me to think it was funny ... I just did not understand it at all. Now I realize that for him it was the scariest sound imaginable. Poor thing.

I know he's got super sensitive hearing. He hears things that are far away or very faint, to the point where it does not seem possible and certain lights especially headlights at night from other cars really bug him.

Overall, this method stresses bypassing medicating and that is very important to me. That is my last resort and I won't budge so I think this is why my ex-MIL was happy to have found this and shared it with me.

The food sensitivities section worries me because if my son does indeed have these it's going to be extraordinarily hard to make him change how he eats. This will be one that I will be the one to fold on because I can't see myself forcing him to eat something he does not want or forcing him to give up what he likes ... maybe it's because I would not want that to be done to me.

Life's Lessons

2011-04-23T19:29:00.001-05:00

One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment ~ Merle Shain

Towards the end of my BIO page, I talk about things that were growing up experiences for me in my life. Some were trivial in hindsight but others were life changing experiences. Looking back I realize that the times that were smooth sailing provided very limited learning experiences and growing opportunities. Ignorance is bliss.

The times that created choppy waters and emotional upheavel have been enlightening and exhausting but I always drew from them something that made me feel like a different person on the other end. I knew it was still me but it was like layers of gauze came away from my eyes. It revealed a self-knowledge that left me both feeling vulnerable as if I was standing naked in a crowd but also more in touch with things to a point that it made me feel like I could see through people.

Although my son is autistic, he seems to sometimes have this uncanny way of sizing up people we meet. He immediately knows if he likes them or not. That's what the feeling of being able to see through people is that I have come to gain the older I've gotten but it's so neat to see it fully developed and built into my son sometimes.

Even though he's not attuned to body language, tone of voice and other social cues, he has been equipped with a character radar that sizes up people quite accurately. I often take for granted that he can read me like a book. He knows my behaviors and he knows my moods.

Last week I was particularly pre-occupied with too much and I had become a bit more introverted than usual towards the tail end of the week. Normally, if my son is into a video game he forgets I'm in the room unless I leave said room and he goes looking for me because he hates to be alone. Last week though I never left the room (not physically anyway) but I could occasionally see him turn to look at me. He did it on the ride home from his school bus drop off as well. I could see him eyeballing me in the rear view mirror. He is so attuned to me somehow regardless of his autism.

At any rate, he knew something was up. It was not something bad, I was just fighting a case of the blues and feeling sorry for myself but he picked up on it. Several times while playing his video games he got up to hug me and give me kisses... it was very sweet but I knew it was his need for reassurance that everything was okay as well.

It's those smaller intervals of time that make you see what matters most or reveal things about yourself that make you grow or cringe at who you really are. My need to have time to myself sometimes makes me feel frustrated and angry when I can't have it but then I realized in those few moments when my son hugged me that "me" time is an easy sacrifice in comparison to a lifetime of not having him around to remind me I am needed and loved.

It's easy to take things for granted when things appear to be fine but in those two days where I was struggling with some temporary depression my son did not take me for granted and he could see things weren't right. I am somtimes confused by his ability to have empathy at odd times or do I have that confused with his ability to notice when things aren't "as usual". Either way, it was something I needed.

Self-Advocacy

2011-04-21T06:48:00.000-05:00

My son and I were reading his Take Control of Asperger's Syndrome book before bed last night. We read a handful of pages per night so I can cover a topic and how other Aspie kids handled or dealt with similar issues.

Self-Advocacy is early on in the book and we talked about this area to reiterate why his walking away from a class assignment or challenging task is not the choice to make. He insists he cannot do the assignment because he hates how long it takes to look things up. This is just the beginning of learning how to use references and do research or look up key points in a glossary. He'll definitely hate graduate school if this is killing him already.

I sent a lengthy email to his teacher explaining that my son shuts down and can't speak or won't speak when he's had enough of something. He will simply get up and walk out. It's not funny but given that many things in life are hard, he'll be doing a lot of walking out on something or someone if he does not get this in some kind of control at a young age. I've asked the teacher to possibly ask my son to write down his feelings rather hope to get him to verbalize them. He often won't open up to no one but his dad or me.

So our challenge these days is to really find out how he can learn to speak at these moments when all he wants to do is throw things or run away. He has speech therapy at school but he's been doing it since kindergarten and we are still dealing with the complete shutdown with no communication.

I have a few upcoming seminars with a center that specializes in the balanced brain method in the next few months. Maybe after reading some of their books I will gain some insight into what I can do to help him more. For one getting him active is a good thing so taking him on walks or runs is nothing but beneficial to him and helps develop areas on both sides of his brain.

In the meantime, we've cut back on karate to one day a week as that was a source of many meltdowns in the evening. He gets little to no break from school drop off to karate and it was causing more over-stimulation than he could handle. Hated to do it but it was wearing me out too and if I am miserable nothing can be accomplished because he'll pick up on it and become quite the testy little guy.

Happy Driving

2011-04-20T06:50:00.001-05:00

This morning I took a break from working out. I was way too sleepy and my lower back still hurts. It's been hurting but this morning I just did not have it in me to push through the pain.

Instead I got up and slowly got myself together, got my son to dress himself, we cuddled a bit like he likes but then it was time for shoes. He fussed as he could not get the laces done just right; either too tight, too loose, pant legs hanging up on laces - new sensation unlike velcro, and we were off.

I hope he has a good day and eats his lunch/snacks. He's not been eating again. All he has in the morning or will tolerate is strawberry milk. I can't see how he can go all day on that.

Anyways, I was like a bobble head dozing off the whole way to his bus stop and all the way back to work. When my son was young enough for PreK and day care, we kept him where I am employed. They offer that here and it was great. Small setting and he was close by. Well when he started kindergarten and his dad was tired of being the one to commute to his school so he wanted him to go to a school in his neighborhood. I was not pleased at first but he lives in a county with better schools and only county with self-contained Aspergers programs.

Well, once my son was diagnosed with Aspergers, the home school could not keep him as they had no autism resources; evidenced by their lack of knowing how to restrain a child properly. His kindergarten teacher even told me she was sick of dealing with my son. At the time I was at a point where I could see how hard this was for her but then again it was hard for everyone not just her, so truly thinking back, I really see her as a total jerk for saying that.

I do a lot of driving because of the school arrangements. The school that has the self-contained Asperger program is still another 30 minutes south of his dad's house - which puts it about 50+ minutes from me. Luckily I just go to his dad's area to meet the bus. They shuttle him from his home school area to the school he was assigned to.

Long story short I live close to my job so commuting for a bus pickup when I have my son is costly at times. I spend $70+ dollars on fuel per week when I have my son because I travel about 40 miles twice a day. My ex and I share custody which means we have equal responsibility in all we do for him (sort of). My ex-in-laws help my ex a lot - my parents are in California. I don't really mind though. I am way too independent to tolerate doting grandparents in my way. My mom calls me all the time and I answer the phone once a week. She annoys me - LOL - I love her though ... she just annoys me.

So sleepy me driving to and fro, I do everything possible not to doze off. I sometimes wake up while driving - not good. On the way to work, I usually speed and turn up the radio to stay awake. I might open the windows if it's not too cold or use the AC.

So this morning a woman in a Lexus kept tailgating me no matter how close I was going to 90 mph so I move over and let her pass (speed limit is 70 mph). Then I move back in the faster lane. (Georgia rural areas have 2 lanes of traffic flowing one way and 2 going the other way - sucks - makes passing the seniors citizens really tough if you stay in the slow lane). As soon as I let her pass and I move back in the faster lane she goes into the slower lane and lets me pass her and then gets back behind me and starts tailgating again. I wanted to smack her. My speeding is not an invitation or a challenge to keep pushing me to go faster so other cars can draft me like it's NASCAR. I think some people can't speed unless they are following someone who is though and that can be annoying too. This happens all the time and it never fails as soon as I slow down they slow down. To you weird drivers, I say this, Lead, Follow (not too closely) or Stay out of my way. And happy driving.

Note*** I am in no way bragging that I speed and most times I am only going 10 miles over the speed limit and I am actually moving slow compared to the rest of the speed demons going 90+ mph. I never see cops anywhere at 6AM though... oddly enough.

You like me, you really like me...

2011-04-19T06:50:00.001-05:00

"I like mommy." That's what I heard from the back seat this morning as I was getting ready to back out of my space in front of our condo. (I sometimes say apartment, home or our place and condo - all interchangeable, I don't have 4 homes, LOL - well my parents maybe is another home but only cuz they say so.)

I am one of the lucky ones I think. My son tells me he loves me all the time. He likes to say, "I love momma." He oftens says, "I want the momma.", "I want mommy." or "I need mommy." For an autistic kid or an Aspie, he's very expressive, very affectionate and very sweet. His smile lights up my world and like I read on a Luna Bar (I devoured this morning) inspiration note, he's "just what my soul needed." Needs :)

So when I heard him say "I like mommy." It meant so many more things than I love you. I love hearing him say I love you but when he said I like mommy, I knew that meant he liked hanging with me, liked being around me, enjoyed our "us" time and was okay with me, discipline, homework enforcing, impatient me!

It totally made my day. I mean how much more can a mom ask for other than being liked by her kid(s). I only have one but I am sure if you have more than one you want all of them to like you, it's not right and complete if it's all unbalanced with some liking and others not.

I must be doing something right if my kid likes me not just loves me. I mean I think that IS pretty fricken fantabulous! :) At 6:00 o' crack of dawn, when your kid should be cranky and hating life because you are the "wake up it's time to go to school" enforcer and you hear a small voice from the back seat say, I like mommy. That's like being told - you may be bossy but it's okay with me, in fact yesterday he did tell me I was bossy when I was rushing him out of the car but this morning it was all "I like you!"

This one is going on the Gratitude List :)

Challenges with Aspergers

2011-04-18T19:51:00.000-05:00

Some of the major challenges I face with my son include various things. Some I know are things he can be lazy about and others I know are things he at times just can't pull himself together to do everyday.

One thing which is a private matter but that concerns his ability to be independent in the bathroom is bowel movements. He knows to go but the cleaning part is still a challenge at age 10.

Tying his shoes. We've hit that hurdle and jumped it, although clumsily and with some resistance. I took my son to the Nike Outlet and bought him some Nike shoes with laces. He's been a velcro kid for a long time. I told him as we left the Nike Outlet, velcro is for little kids and old men. You may be little in some ways but you are now wearing a size 7.5 in men's shoes.

At the Nike Outlet he listened to my instructions on how to form the bunny ears and squoosh the bunny ears til they were long enought to loop over and under and tie. He got it to my amazement with just some brief grumbling but he did it.

Some days he won't wear them because he says he needs a break from the laces. I don't know what it's like to find laces hard. But I know some mornings I just don't want to deal with blow drying my hair so I won't wash it that day. It's similar in some ways but mine is more laziness where with his it's a sensory overload that would kill his day.

There are things like odors, sounds, sensations and what not that take him to that level of obvious discomfort. I can't imagine how that must be for him other than comparing it to having to constantly smell someone's bad cologne or perfume when I am hungry. That would put me over the edge.

The challenge I faced today was not complicated to me but it was for my son. His dojo center did not have his attendance card in the bin so he would have to line up without it and he refused to get in line until I spoke to the instructor. I asked him why he could not just say, "my card is not in the bin, I looked andI could not find it." He said he did not want to but that is not a verbalization of what makes him feel that way. He can tell you what he's feeling, anger, frustration. sadness but sometimes getting him to explain that is not happening.

My ex-mother-in-law has shown me some flyers for counselors and other neurological places to have him go and I absolutely agree they are great ideas in theory but if my son can't even tell someone he can't find his attendance card or ask for ketchup or place an order at McDonald's how is he going to have a discussion about his feelings with some counselor? I guess since I am not the professional and don't know how some stranger can reach my son if I can't sometimes, I'll just wish for the best and try not to feel hopeless about it.

Gratitude List

2011-04-17T11:38:00.002-05:00

“When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” -Lao Tzu

After reading this blog post, I decided to create a gratitude list. It will be a page on my blog. I don't often think about what I am grateful for on a daily basis. A few things I can think of off the top of my head are:

I am grateful for ...

My mood lifting when the sun is out.
The feel of the wind on my face and through my hair.
My son cuddling and crowding me on the couch even when I want some space.
A place to live.
Having $70.00 to spend on groceries even though it seemed like a lot to spend.

This is just the beginning. I think I will add 5 items per day to my list daily (if I don't forget or get too busy).

What are you grateful for? It can really improve your state of mind to think of the good things even when there seem to be all sorts of bad things your life.

Speaking of which even though my son does not like many foods, I know he likes cinnamon toast so I am going to make him some without asking him and surprise him.

Bicep Work Out

2011-04-14T07:14:00.001-05:00

I did my back and bicep work out this morning and it made me think of this post back when I was taking a boot camp class. I had worked really hard on my arms to keep up with the class that day and by the next day and the following I could hardly unbend my arms; they were that sore. So this morning when I got up at 5AM to work out, I told myself, don't push yourself too hard now! My son is with his dad so I am not getting up at 5AM to get ready to take him to his bus stop while he's not home. Usually that's the routine, more on that some other time. When I have him, I'll have to get up at 4AM if I want to work out in the morning, like when I was in the military.

Anyways as I was working out I started laughing at the mental image of me grocery shopping as I mentioned in the post I linked above. I swear it was the most ridiculous soreness I have ever experienced. I could not reach up to get items off the higher shelves without being in pain. It was the kind of pain that made you want to laugh and cry at the same time. With that in mind I took it easy on my work out on my back and biceps this morning. I tend to be an over-achiever (so I'm told), I do not want a repeat of walking around like a T-Rex because I can't extend my arms. It is pretty darn funny but was not quite that much at the time.

So I am working out because I have to lose weight. My clothing is starting to pinch where it should not pinch, you know? So my goal is to try and lose somewhere between 7 to 10 pounds or more by June. 10 more by October and 10 more by January. I think it's doable if I don't fall wayward with my slacking ways, again.

What I hate is that as soon as I start working out I gain some weight first. It's like I am swelling up or something. Really frustrates me. Anyway, I have been charting my exercise here.

I want to get fit not just for my own well-being but to set a good example for my son to stay active. He runs with me every so often and he does karate but he's been having so many meltdowns at the dojo center that I am about to just give up taking him if that's what he wants. It's just stressful as hell. I guess I should not give up but I hate to take him if he's just having a miserable time! What do you think?

Sleep

2011-04-12T20:09:00.000-05:00

I was reading a friend's facebook status about how little sleep she's been getting since the birth of her son. When my son was born he never, ever, ever, ever slept through the night. Initially, we thought he had his nights mixed up with his days since he was more active when I was asleep. I remember my ex asking how I could sleep through the kicking and chaos going on in my belly. I must have been exhausted from being a pregnant woman and working full-time and keeping the house clean ... oh and yes spending my nights and weekends tolerating sounds of sanders, hammers and what not as my ex decided in my last few months of pregnancy that it was the ideal time to redo our half bath.

For what seemed like an eternity he hammered out old 70's style tile. Being pregnant and on edge was horrible. He later decided to pull up all the carpet which revealed hardwood floors but there were staples embedded in them throught the perimeter of the floor in each room, so I had to help yank them out with pliers and as I was starting to really have a belly this was not a fun task. It was like squatting with a medicine ball sort of tucked between my thighs. But without my vigilant help it'd turn into another heap of junk and another unfinished project. One of many.

Who knows how much crap I came in contact with. I often think about that and wonder if that was the source of my son's autism. But there were so many other things, like the high resolution ultrasounds I had done to see a spot on his heart they thought might be a hole in his heart. I had to have two done. The first time he was in the wrong position so they could not see the heart so I had to go back for a 2nd ... that time the spot was gone and they figured it was just a calcification. Then there were the immunizations. We've all heard it right?

At any rate, my son never slept through the night. He'd sleep a few hours then wake up. At first this seemed like the usual newborn sleep, eat, wet or soiled diaper pattern but months rolled on and he never slept through the night and he never wanted to be left alone. As time wore on, the only way I could get sleep was to let him sleep with me (us when I was still married) my ex often ended up on the couch.

To this day he sleeps with me. He's 10 and he is so tall and has the longest legs. I wake up tangled in his limbs, an elbow in my back, an arm across my throat, knees pressing into my side and I wake up on the edge of the bed with him hogging about 80% of it. You'd think I'd get a good night's sleep when he's with his dad but my sleep never recovered the first 4 years of my son's life when he slept in 2 hour intervals always waking up to wanting a drink of something. I sleep too lightly now and I suffer from insomnia many nights.

I feel like the walking dead sometimes and it's causing me to lose focus in so many ways. I forget things all the time. I've been working out again to counteract the way I am often not really sleepy by bedtime. Sometimes I am exhausted enough to fall asleep before 10:30pm but when I do I wake up promptly between 2am or 3am and then I toss and turn until 6am just before it's time to get up and get ready for work. Sigh.

New moms make me smile sometimes and then I cringe thinking how things are so hard sometimes trying to figure out why your child is the way he is and not understanding what to do to help or even at least spotting things you'd think you would have noticed. But then again I am no child expert. My son's pediatrician is considered one of the top pediatricians in the area and highly in demand and she never noticed any peculiarities herself. But being a pediatrician does not make a you an expert on autism either.

I hope my facebook friend gets more sleep.

Personal Lessons

2011-04-11T20:14:00.001-05:00

Happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind. ~Alice Meynell

I agree with that because no matter how happy I am one minute the next I may find there is a dip in my mood. Happiness is a constant flow of emotion that you can’t regulate … unless you are on Zoloft or some other brand of bottled bliss.

It’s a lot of work to stay content but no one can do it for you, that’s for sure.

I don’t want to be the sole reason someone is happy but it’d be flattering if I could provide that much to even just one person.

Okay so you might be thinking I must make my son happy regardless but I don’t. I very often annoy him, piss him off, exasperate him and down right confound him at times. He hates when I push him to do things and as he’s getting older he pushes my limits as I push his.

With his Asperger’s, pushing his limits does not take much. I can look at him the wrong way, hug him too long, make him stop playing his video games at the wrong time, you name it … I’ll do something at some point to make him unhappy. But it’s fleeting unhappiness until he realizes he’s afraid of the dark, needs a snack, wants his strawberry milk or does not want to be alone in any one room.

That’s when I have the power…. Muuuuuaaaahhhhaaaaahhhhaaa!

Sometimes the little dude will piss me off to no end and I don’t even want to look at him but when he finally wants something to eat or is afraid of something, I realize I can’t hold a grudge and I can’t stay unhappy with him.

I think getting mad and getting happy are natural emotions and the drain that comes with the let down of frustration or sadness, makes finding something to be happy about all the more worthwhile.

I wish that was something I could impart to my son when he’s having a foul day and he can’t verbalize what’s going on in that Aspie mind. I wish I could get in there and help but he’ll just have to figure out how to get happy again.

As my mom always says, “Getting mad is a two-fold job. The energy of getting mad is followed by the effort it will take to get happy again!” Sometimes it’s worth the effort.

Money ... & Special needs

2011-04-10T11:11:00.004-05:00

Money money money ...

I have gotten the ball rolling. I opened up a kid savings account with ING Direct yesterday. It's one of Suze Orman's favorite banks so it comes highly recommended.

As soon as bank validation happens with my current bank I am opening another savings account for me. Yay. Then I'll open a checking and move my money over, transfer my 403(b) to an ING Roth and move my IRA with my current bank into the new Roth.

My biggest concern with making funds available to my son is with complexities of government benefits and how those can be null and void if you do it the wrong way. So I am reading up on Special Needs Trusts to find out how to do this the right way.

There is so much to think about and learn. It's so overwhelming. I don't know how I don't have an ulcer by now.

On another note, I learned how to make French Toast - yeah I suck in the kitchen. It turned out really good but I did not take a picture! I was too hungry after my core synergistics work out to think straight. I am trying to get myself back in better shape again. I had made a lot of progress a couple of years ago but I slacked off for many reasons that helped contribute to my slacking ways and now I have some holiday weight to lose and muscles to retone. Ugh.

Wish me luck.

Goals - Money 101

2011-04-09T13:04:00.003-05:00

I have this page on my blog for GOALS. I have itemized areas that are important to me so that I am on track to accomplish them by reviewing them often. How do you manage your goals?

Tonight I moved money from checking to savings. I'd been slowly incrementing the amounts of funds I keep for utilities and rent
so that I can amass at least 3 to 6 months emergency funds. It's not ea

sy to do. Something always happens that makes me dip into that money so I had been hesitant to move it to savings. However, I have been reading Women and Money by Suze Orman and she strongly advises that funds not readily needed to pay current months expenses should always be kept in savings.

It seems like a no brainer to put the money in savings but I was trying to make sure I was keeping it available and away from savings for long term.

I've added a line item to my savings log/journal to set aside more funds towards my ROTH as well. I have had that open for many years but have not deposited much to it since I have a 401K but it's best to have both not just one and I have been slow to get myself in check and disciplined about saving more.

If I can impart any knowledge to anyone is that it's so important to save towards retirement for yourself and not depend on a spouses income in case things change unexpectedly. I am still reading and learning but I will pass on any knowledge I gain to my family, friends, and blog readers. In the meantime check out DailyWorth. Great site for learning more about money and investing.

More decluttering...

2011-04-08T10:53:00.002-05:00

I just kept going last night. I was like the energizer bunny. Well it was more of a symptom of just being lazy all day and not having any luck getting my Aspie to do anything. So frustrating.

He loves to just play video games and sit on the computer so much.... it makes me a bit batty. It was at that point around 6pm when I knew I was next to near agitation and frustration that I made him go walking with me. We walked 1.7 miles and then he got to come home and pursue his video/computer obsession.

That burned off some anxious energy and later I attacked his bedroom. It was time to put away the things that were no longer age appropriate in his room. He's 10 years old so I packed up the cast moldings of his sweet little baby hands and feet. The porcelain covered baby shoes and lots of the baby frames that were there more for mommy's pleasure.

When is the right time to do this? I did not want my son to feel like I was packing him up to move out so I explained that he needed his room to look like a 10 year old's room and not a nursery. If his friends ever come over, it would be a bit embarassing for him. All the mini-photo albums with him being bathed by grandma and all the pics she tooks of him in the bath would not be fun things for friends to see. I see this as a good way to show him that things keep changing and he can adapt.

We went through piles of books and he actually helped pick out what he wanted to keep. There were a few I did not leave up to him to keep... some were custom baby books with his name in them. Those are very cute and keepsakes.

My car is loaded down with more stuff to give to his grandma for her yardsale and for my son's half-brother or Goodwill if they don't need it. My place keeps looking more and more like I want it to. I need to work on some shelving or more storage for my son's room so it does not overflow out of the closet onto the floor where it either gets broken, lost or accidently vacuumed.

I also started of my day out right with a plyometric cardio workout. Kicked my butt. It was worth it though. Here's to healthier habits.

Purging ... Spring time action

2011-04-07T19:50:00.002-05:00

I got another burst of energy today to purge out junk I had laying around. (I've been on vacation this week for my son's Spring break). Some movies I had for sale on my Half.com site I just boxed up to give to my ex-in-laws. They might watch them or put them in a yard sale. Most of them were VHS and a handful were DVDs. I am not a big fan of clutter or building a huge collection of movies. I have lots of CDs and I still have some old music cassettes. I really like the music cassettes but have no way of converting them to digital music so I can rid myself of more clutter. I've uploaded lots of my music into iTunes though.

While my son studied for CRCT testing I added some books to the book swap section of my GoodReads account.

I even went through old plastic ware and cook ware to make room for the 5 pc cook ware set I got for redeeming my Coke rewards points. It is a generic stainless steel set ... it's probably just some cheap stuff but at least it was free LOL. Between the Coke rewards points I collect from my diet coke, my son's blue powerade and the points my ex-in-laws give me I was able to round up 1,000 + points. They expire though so you have to redeem them before you lose them.

On another note, earlier in the day dyed my hair. I bought the new John Frieda foam hair dye ( a bit pricey but...). The color is a bit darker than I like but it will probably fade. I am really impressed by the foam ... at first I thought it would not be enough for my long hair. As I continued to squeeze the bottle I realized I'd have more than I could use on my whole head. It was great. With other hair dyes I run out before I get my my hair length covered. I don't like just doing a root touch up because eventually it looks stripey and uneven. It has great gray coverage and it did not make my scalp burn and it did not stain the skin on my hairline. We'll see how long it lasts. It's always fun to freshen up your hair color.

Blog & Child Blues

2011-04-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

I had to take a day off of thinking about blogging or disccussing how the dental appointment went. It went, how can I put this, like trying to get a cat in water or force feeding my child some type of cough syrup. Yet it did not result in a major meltdown either so it was the best of both worlds. He was almost behaving like a typical child ... almost.

He was okay until tartar was being scraped of his teeth. He imagined his teeth were being broken off and he started to cry and wanted it all to stop. So we moved on to polishing which seemed to go well until the grape flavored polish disgusted him... it took me and the hygienist a few moments coaxing him to at least let her rinse his mouth out... the whole Mr. Thirsty or suction thingy was bit of a challenge - I had to tell him to pretend he was sucking on a straw. I am so immature. My own mental analogy was more naughty but you can't say these things out loud. I almost started laughing.

We got through that drama and started to see if he would at least cooperate with the flouride brushing. To no avail. We tried the scraping a bit more to rid him of the uneven feel of tarter behind his bottom two front teeth. That done I convinced him to cooperate with X-rays. I thought surely this is going to be excruciating to do... but it was the easiest part of the appointment.

We then went back to the chair for the flouride brushing and to see the dentist. As the oral hygienist got up to go, I noticed she was shorter than my 10 year old son. It was cute. The dentist picked up similar tools as the hygienist to check his teeth and I figured this would go badly but he cooperated and he found no cavities. However, he does have an infection so he needs a tooth pulled. This will happen in May. SO I have a month in which to try and prep him. This time it will require some sedation so let's see how that goes. Sigh.

Dentist Visit

2011-04-04T08:04:00.001-05:00

Today's is our first annual visit to the dentist for my son since like a really long time ago when he could not cope with a dental visit. I think I blogged about it here.

This dentist has a special needs skill set, so I'm told, but my son has a special way of rejecting most everything that everyone else does well with or likes. He's got two Aspie buds that already see him for dental care but they are more outgoing. They speak back when adults ask questions, my son turns away and does the Aspie posture thing he does where he drops his shoulders, bends forward slightly and trudges away as if that makes everything all better.

The funny thing is it draws more attention to him, the very thing he's trying to avoid. I tell him all the time to try not to draw more attention to himself by not responding that way but it does not help.

I tried to prep him last night, explaining that he needed to sit on the dentist chair and take a deep breath and just do what the dentist said. I asked what he was afraid of and he said the dentist. I think a robot dentist stand in is not going to work. Human contact is so hard for him. I think he'd be happiest around me and a pack of rocks. Well anyone that's close family like his dad and paternal grandparents. I know it's the closeness of the dentist hovering over him that he does not like. It's very invasive especially when they dig all up in your mouth.

We'll see how it goes. I will be prepping him again today. It makes me very anxious but I have to hide it or else he'll respond to my agitation and we'll just have one big hot mess at the dentist office.

Adventures in Aspie Outings

2011-04-03T09:41:00.002-05:00

So yesterday, I took my son to the World of Coca-Cola. It was a crowded day out there but the sunshine made it worth the while. We pull in and park and realize we need a restroom break but the restroom location appeared to be just port-a-potties outside. I thought how lame for such a big venue to just have port-a-potties out here. (I was mistaken). We go off and purchase our tickets and get in line to go into the World of Coca-Cola but soon realize we may be in line for a while so we jump out and go use the restrooms.

It was then that I realized the port-a-johns were just used for overflow. They did have brick and mortar restrooms around the way behind those. Well we get in line and my son is not comfortable with the closeness as we are in the women's line and people are staring. Now if you're a mom who thinks, he should be using the boys restrooms, consider this, #1 he's autistic & #2 pedophiles often hide in restrooms to molest children. I don't care if my 10 year old looks like he's 12 or 13, he's going to the restroom with me and yes we often share a stall. It may seem inappropriate but there have been women known to be pedophiles and some that have kidnapped children. I don't trust this world at all.

A well-meaning woman coming out of the restroom says to me "my 14 year old can take him to the boys restroom if he's ...." she sort of stammered there as I interrupted her to tell her my son is autistic. "Oh I see she replied I just thought he had his head down like that because he was embarrassed to be in the line for the women's restrooms." I was not trying to be mean at all so I hope she was not thinking I was being a jerk. It was an informative "oh no thank you he's autistic." I've had to explain this so often I sometimes just don't anymore.

My thoughts later were that was nice of her and a kind gesture. As we came out of the restroom I looked for her to see if I could thank her but she was already gone. At any rate, I really felt she was genuinely trying to help. Had we been in line and she'd appeared from outside the restroom asking to get her son rather than just being in the restroom I would have been a bit more concerned and more offended.

I do get offended when people act like I should not take him with me in the women's restroom. When he was only 7 to 8 years old I'd have women tell me he needed to go to the men's restroom. I felt like just kicking them in the teeth. I am usually alone when we go shopping or doing anything so for me to send him in alone to the trenches of possible pedophile and bullying danger would be irresponsible and negligent. I'd rather share a stall with him than to have him hurt. I would do that even if my son was not autistic.

The whole time was great though. He even tried tasting different varieties of coke from around the world. The best one was Delaware punch from Latin America and the worst was Beverly from Europe. It was awful . It tasted like dish washing liquid. And believe me I know what that tastes like. Picture on the right was his idea... he wanted to pose next to Pemberton the creator of coke statue while drinking his Coke Zero.

Memberships ... rewards discount cards!!! Dept Store Debit cards?

2011-04-02T13:03:00.001-05:00

That's right. Not only will your purse be overrun by store membership & reward's cards from different places but now you can throw in department store debit cards. A couple of weeks ago I went to the Nordstrom Rack to look for some discounted shoes, jackets or whatnot and found my son a great little jacket for $7.49. I found myself a cute boiled wool black jacket. I love boiled wool. It was 40% so I got it for $25.00 When I paid I was presented with an application to sign up for a Nordstom debit card. Really? This little card makes it faster for their grimy little hands to get all over your money but you don't accrue interest rates and you earn points. Is it worth the trade off of the risk of having your banking information spread high and wide?

I am not being a cheerleader for Nordstrom nor any other store but I really think a department debit card seems a bit much no matter how much you like a store and I love Nordstrom. It seems that not only are we pushing people to shop more but shop more towards discounts that probably don't add up to the amount you have to spend to earn enough points for either a miniscule discount or possible free item.

I could be wrong but maybe I'll look at the fine print really closely to make sure there are no hidden costs? Does anyone have this card yet?

Asperger's - Autism - what's the difference?

2011-04-01T12:24:00.002-05:00

I am not 100% sure what all the differences are. I am not a psychologist and I am not a neurologist or a behaviorist or any of those fancy things. I have a degree in criminal justice and business so I am not one to be the knower of these things unless I delve deep into many books but even then I might still have it askew. The one thing I do know is language development delay is not a common denominator. Most Aspies don't have language delays. The majority that do tend to be on the lower end of the autism spectrum or diagnosed with other types of spectrum disorders.

That is why I really don't appreciate when people tell me what I need to do for my son. My son is not on meds and my son won't accept a gluten free diet. He would starve himself first and we can't have that now can we?

My son has several friends who are also diagnosed with Aspergers as my son is but none of them are alike in any way. My son stims when he's excited, upset, or rocks when sitting too close to others in a large group (he used to clear his throat a lot), my son hates being stared at and hisses or growls if you invade his space. The other kids in his self-contained Aspergers class all each display characteristics unlike my son. One will get right in my face and talk really loud, unlike my son who is shy and speaks softly and would never invade the space of a near total stranger. He does not like anyone touching him unless it's familiar family members.

Some of his friends have similar traits, like being bothered by certain sounds or smells. But even there, each aversion to sound or smell has many degrees. One of my son's classmates will shriek when certain loud sounds occur. My son used to be afraid of flushing toilets. He literally wanted out before we flushed the toilet so he could get as far away from it as possible. Now he seems to be okay with flushing toilets.

Autism and, or Asperger's is not one size fits all diagnosis, just like any other diagnosis of health or mental disorders isn't. I've learned that with children or parents of children with autism/Asperger's, they may not say anything when you are suggesting all these cure-alls but they do not really like it. I will not put my son on meds unless it's the last resort and I will not enforce a diet on him that makes him miserable. I need to help him be happy and productive not impose my will or anyone else's on him.

Fitness & Diet

2011-03-31T16:40:00.003-05:00

I am trying super hard to eat healthier and drink more water on top of increasing my activity level. I hate when I get lazy and lose all the progress I'd made when I was working out hard. Though, at the time that I was in better form, I was letting my son's grandmother pick him up from the bus every day that I had him so I could squeeze in a hard workout between work and picking him up. That stopped when things got kind of weird for my ex. He and his current wife were going through drama and I was somehow getting dragged into the mix. They are now going through a divorce.

Things have seemed to have calmed down quite a bit on that front but I am still getting my son off the bus myself for now. Yet since he does karate 3 days a week at a center closer to his grandparent's house, I end up having to deal with picking up his uniform from his grandmother's house and what not, so then my son decides he wants to get some toy to take to my house and then the visit lengthens when he wants to watch cartoons...yada ... yada. It's not the worst ... it's a good bathroom pitstop to say the least and I get free coffee before my son's karate class. Keeps me focused in case he darts out when he loses at dodgeball.

To help me drink more water though I bought this water flavoring stuff called MiO. It's funny because when I was a foreign exchange student living in France during one of my high school summers, the French people already had something like this. I remember it made drinking water more pleasant. The French people I stayed with did not drink soft drinks the way we do. It was either a glass of wine or water. The 14 year old son in the family used it to flavor his water and then I decided I liked it. I don't remember the flavors they had anymore but their flavoring came in a big whipped cream type bottle not like these I found at Target. The one I bought is some berry pomegranate flavor. It's pretty good. There were other flavors like fruit punch, cherry etc. but this one sounded the best so I am glad I got it. It is $3.50 and makes about 24 servings. I am not sure if that applies to 8 ounce servings so I am going to assume so.

At any rate, this week has been a good week so far working out. I have committed some time to running and weights.

Fitness Motivator

2011-03-30T15:15:00.001-05:00

I saw this article through my Facebook feed on Monday about a 73 year old woman who is so fit she could pass for at least 50 years old. I am always getting hung up on the fact that I think it's too late for me to bother to try and get super fit and keep at it. I always plunge into the depths of dramatic despair over getting out of shape and not finding the time to work out and then I see women like these who against all odds find a way to make it work and add quality back to their lives just by getting fit and staying mobile.

This has been my biggest fear all my life. Losing my independence and mobility is the scariest thing in the world. I dread the day I cannot wear heels, drive, or walk on my own. Good Lord, will I ever be a pain in the ass to live with then. I don't wish me on anybody at that point. So to be a more pleasant person to be around I have to stay in shape. I run, walk and do weights whenever I can. Not as often as I could though.

I take my son running with me sometimes. Last week we ran a mile on Tuesday and a mile on Thursday. He's only 10 and he can run the whole mile without stopping. He rocks! Our goal is to run 3 miles by August without stopping. On Monday, I ran alone on a track at a local school. You can see my progress here. It was chilly but I ran 1.71 miles. (I walked 1.76 miles afterward) I did not run at my faster pace but I am working back towards strengthening my legs a bit at a time so I can get back to running 3 miles like I was last summer. This winter was so harsh that it really whittled away at my will to keep active. I hate cold winters. This is a big reason I wish I still lived in California. I know some of you must think I am a wimp because Georgia winters are not so bad but try going from Cali sunshine to Georgia and it's not so fun. I am sure coming down from the North is just the opposite though.

Well happy working out for those of you that do!

Looking over my shoulder...

2011-03-29T20:08:00.001-05:00

I have been using Facebook for a while now so I've had some good and also some bad times with it. The good outweigh the bad. However, not long ago I had to unfriend a certain guy. I had met him where I used to be employed. I was employed at this place not long before the beginning of my divorce but this guy who started bothering me, met me before the divorce started. At that time, he was just an acquaintance as a result of the job. I had to come in contact with the public a good bit so I met various people, some I wished I did not have to deal with.

When I did start going through my divorce he changed. He started to become more aggressive about talking to me and getting closer to me when we spoke. Another girl who knew him made a comment and soon I found out he'd pursued her the same way. Needless to say we became friends over time.

Long story short, I left that employment because I needed full-time work and that one was only part-time. At the time I did not have Facebook but I finally got talked into getting it by a few friends at my new job. I've had it since. This guy found me on Facebook and friended me. At first I did not think it would be an issue but as time progressed he was becoming an issue so I dropped him as a friend. He did not seem too happy but I was not going to deal with any harassment considering a lot of my co-workers have me friended on Facebook.

The girl he'd harassed before me and I had since then become Facebook friends and she'd told me she had to do the same thing. She unfriended him and then later he posed as another of her friends (his cousin) to talk to her, later admitting it was him and not the cousin. She contacted me to let me know that that conversation was to get her to get in touch with me. He wanted her to reach out to me and see if we could hook up. I thought she meant he wanted me to see him but he wanted us - all three of us to hook up. He wanted a deviant sexual encounter with two women. Sick.

At any rate, that was a while ago and I had since thought I was not going to need to worry about that until my son and I went running the other day at a local school track and lo and behold he was there. He was stretching by the track as my son and I started our 1 mile run. He turned to look at me as soon as I walked past him. I was horrified. He said Hi and I must not have been able to hide my reaction because he looked shocked. I waved him off and started running with my son. As we got next to him again he tried to look at me again but I avoided eye contact with him and kept running. After that he disappeared.

Needless to say I have avoided going running there again and it was one of my favorite spots to run but now I'll have to go elsewhere. I really need to invest in a taser or mace. I hate having to look over my shoulder but some people make it necessary.

Yesterday's Blog Post

2011-03-28T14:24:00.002-05:00

I know I seem to have mentioned my son's being sent home from school in passing yesterday but it is not that trivial. I just don't like to dwell on it. The school policy, as it pertains to him or any other children in the self-contained Asperger classroom, allows for some tolerance of meltdowns up until the point where the inability to contain the child from violent outbursts continues and the threat of physical harm to himself or others is increased and has escalated beyond their scope. I can't say I disagree with this and sometimes I am glad they call because I know just taking him away from the environment that has caused the meltdown is the only answer at the time. Since early January this has only happened about 3 times if memory serves me well.

I hate that it happens and wished it did not but my son has mini-meltdowns and massive meltdowns all day long and all week long. If I had a way to measure them like on a richter scale as they do earthquakes I'd always see he'd be on the verge of a massive meltdown constantly. But who needs to see that kind of pressure building up in their lives ... I would rather just gauge it by his moods than to be keenly aware of everything that will bring my son to some scary version of himself.

The reality is a child and all children have tantrums, we work on it and we talk about it and we try to show him that he needs to learn to deal with disappointment just like with any other child. I only have him so I am limited as to how I can compare him to other kids but I don't live in a bubble. I see other parents with their typical kids and my sister and brother have kids. I know what it's like to see a typical child throw a tantrum. Granted they stop as soon as they hear the threat of losing a favorite toy or hear they might be spanked, my son would continue through threats and spankings, and that makes all the difference.

I have to worry about the future ... when he's old enough to have a brush with the law due to his meltdowns, what then? I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there ... but in the meantime I plan to buy a medical bracelet he can wear that says AUTISTIC across it so they'll know there is a medical issue or neurological issue and also plan to get some sort of car decal that notes that a passenger in the car has Aspergers/autism so they will know waht to do if we are ever in a bad accident.

Stormy Atlanta

2011-03-27T12:23:00.003-05:00

The weather has been out of control in Atlanta. It got super warm last week and then ended through the weekend with cooler weather and a crazy lightning and thunderstorms. This morning at 6AM I awoke to a rumbling that shook my bed and it was just thunder that I could feel rumble through my condo. Yikes. For a minute I was sure it was an earthquake but then I realized I don't live in California anymore. It stressed me out a bit.

Speaking of stress... my son's dad had to go get our little man from school Friday. They called him and said he was having a major meltdown again and needed to be checked out. It was his turn to be with his dad so they did not call me. I am sometimes amazed they can keep up with who he's with when. Being parents in different households can cause all sort of additional stressors on a kid with special needs, especially Aspergers / autism where the child thrives best with routine. However, had it not been for our split I'd never get a break and I'd still be dealing with the things that made the relationship impossible.

So right now I am relishing the quiet and the ability to watch what I want on TV even if it's not for long. It makes me a better mom to get breaks and I should not feel guilty but thankful that my son has a life full enough of grandparenting and a dad who can be around most times to provide his share of child rearing.

I might draw, paint or just read today. But right now I just know I am hungry and hot dogs are calling my name like nobody's business. LOL

Competitiveness & Pride

2011-03-25T09:11:00.001-05:00

So I was thinking, (making the hamster run a bit faster than usual LOL), and I came to the conclusion that my son’s competitiveness and unwillingness to accept loss stems from just being like his dad and like me. I am competitive and I am very proud.

I hate to get help and so does my son.

Winning is not everything but I don’t like to fail. When I do lose I chalk it up to a learning experience, which is what I try to teach my son. Every mistake and failure is a stepping stone to get ahead but sometimes he just gets angry and frustrated. Doing that is just like a missed opportunity but no matter how you try to beat this into someone’s head, they just have to learn the hard way sometimes. So let them, even if it hurts.

I am sure my parents did that sometimes with my siblings and me. It’s a necessary evil.

I do, at times, get caught up in that competitive drive to be the better parent. Yet, it’s not that I want to show up my son’s father (or anyone else for that matter) or see him fail.

There was a time when our relationship first failed that I would have wished all hell and damnation on him. Now that my son is older and is cognizant of what it means to have two parents, be it in the same household or not, I would never wish any harm on his dad because I know my son’s happiness hinges on having both parents in his life. His dad’s and my happiness and success will eventually be reflected in the values my son adopts as he gets older. This in turn will be my son’s personal happiness and success, so why would I even choose to want anything less.

Yet there are still times when I want to still appear to be the better parent, seems selfish I know. Maybe it’s my need to show that I am tougher and stronger and don’t need help. I feel like I can handle anything life throws my way. But really really… I can’t always and there are days when I have the least patience with my son because I am tired and cranky and want to sleep more and do more for me but can’t because of the reality of commuting, busy schedules, not enough hours in the day and just plain needing time to just veg out.

This I imagine is the overwhelming stuff that I fear would put my son’s adult life as an Aspie into a complete tailspin. If he can barely deal with managing his competitive nature and need to be perfect at everything, how is he going to do this when he has to juggle more feelings, obligations and demands on his life, his mind, and sensory issues? Just thinking about it makes me feel like I want to vomit.

Maybe at that point, in his adult life, his competitiveness and pride will allow him to do it all and manage it even if underneath he feels like darting off and out the door like he does now. Maybe the values that he holds dear will guide him long after I can’t be around to dash away fears, wipe away tears and assure him that he can do it.

Discipline

2011-03-24T08:40:00.001-05:00

I had to bring the hammer of discipline down on my son yesterday. I am trying a new approach. I next to never spank. It has never worked with my son. It more or less just fuels his Asperger's rage. It does not help.

Yesterday at his dojo class when they transitioned to dodge ball to get some cardio in and keep them on their toes, he showed no signs of over-stimulation or agitation. Earlier in class, he almost volunteered to do a forms routine but was not quite brave enough and I think the instructor avoided drawing attention to him this time because of previous encounters with his inability to cope with the unwanted attention... but this time I could tell he wanted the instructor to ask him so he'd not have to really volunteer. (the sense of obligation is a good motivator sometimes).

Anyways, he did not get to do the routine but he did not seem too disappointed. When they play dodge ball of course the object is to not get hit and be the last man standing (or woman). He was one of the first few to get hit by the ball right away. Well ... he got upset and darted. He ran out of the dojo center and out into the walkway then to the left away from view. I could see the instructor turn his eyes toward me as he said, "Come on now.... don't run off."

It's funny because my reaction was so subdued. I stood up and just calmly said, "I'll go get him." There used to be more kids with special needs in the dojo class my son is in but some have moved on or not returned. My son has more pronounced reactions to disappointment than some other kids with Aspergers. My son can and will become violent without warning at times.

I went out to find him. He was standing outside leaning against the brick wall away from view but not in the parking lot where he could get hit by a car. He's old enough to know better and scared and young enough to wait to be found. When I approached him he kept turning his back to me and crossing his arms. I said sternly, "I don't like your behavior, karate is not free, so I want to hear one answer and one answer only. Are we going back in there, yes or no?!" He continued to grunt and hiss at me. So I said, "I only speak two languages, English and Spanish. (I do speak French but I was trying to keep it simple). I want to hear yes or no in either otherwise I don't need to hear anything else. Well?" He nearly hissed a "yes" at me so I turned to walk back in. I could scarcely see him resignedly following me and I strode into the dojo center back straight and walking confidently. I am sure the other parents think my kid is a brat but they don't know what I go through and how accustomed I am to dealing with this. The instructors do though so they yield to me or his grandparents (whomever brings him to dojo that night) to deal with the behavior and the issues we face.

This behavior is a direct result of his need to never lose at anything not just being an Aspie. He's my only child and my ex's first child, my parents 4th grandchild, but my ex-in-laws first grandson. He's definitely spoiled and can be a brat so I knew my discipline had to reflect my disappointment but be different enough to impress upon him that I need him to remember why discipline continued long after leaving the dojo center. Our drive home from there is about 35 minutes or longer.

When we got home, I had him finish his homework and then we reviewed his spelling words. I recite them and he writes them on a old white board I got that was being discarded. I can proudly say he spelled them all correctly.

Afterward, I told him to erase the board and write out the sentence pictured. My original punishment was to have him write and erase this on the white board 5 times. . I only had him write it once. "Being a sore loser is not black belt behavior." I warned him that future meltdowns or poor behavior would result in having to write down a relevant statement 5 times and that it would increment by 5 more times each time his behavior was inappropriate.

This is sitting un-erased in the living room where he can see it every time he looks up. It may seem harsh. But it is just humiliating enough. Having to write down your behavior while someone else tells you what your behavior is not like should be enough to impress upon him that it's got to change or improve.

Smaller packaging - Sustainability

2011-03-23T15:19:00.000-05:00

I like to eat this cereal by Nature's Path...Pumpkin Flax Plus® Granola. It's very good by the way. I recommend it actually more because it's good but also because it's a high fiber, wbole grain cereal and has Omega-3 fatty acids. It's also organic. I'm not a huge health nut but I should worry about what I eat since I am not getting any younger. The packaging caught my eye recently because it had all this print on the inside. I was annoyed that the coupons were printed on the inside of the box but I guess it's good that they are taking full advantage of making use of the whole box for something.

In looking over the box I noted the sustainability blurb on the back of the box. They claim to have made the box smaller, which I never really noticed, but also state that it's the same amount of cereal. I have no way of knowing if this is true since I've consumed the last few boxes I purchased of this some time ago but I will give them the benefit of the doubt. Their box has always been smaller than other cereal boxes to begin with but I have no complaints there. Other cereal boxes, like chip bags, are full of air. The box sits about 3 inches higher than where the product stops.

I respect that they are trying to limit the use of resources for a product like cereal. I've long stopped buying sugary cereals and most of the popular brands because I think they are not worth the cost. I got this cereal at Kroger this week but on average I think I pay about $3.30 for a box or slightly less at Walmart. That's about .69 cents to a whole dollar less than most of those larger boxes that contain about the same amount of cereal plus air and don't have any health benefits. By the way I saved $8.80 on groceries this weekend using iPhone apps for digital coupons using the Kroger App and CellFire.

I think all food containers should be redesigned to the size that is necessary to house the food not to advertise. It's wasteful and irresponsible. If I need to know more I'll sign up for their e-newsletter. I think that's how business should be done.

On a side note though... how are flaxseeds really good for me if my body does not digest them. I mean not to be gross but they come out whole the other end half the time. Just sayin'!!

Shopping for Pants

2011-03-22T15:48:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend while shopping for some new pants for my son, at Kohl's, I noted this box of tissues sitting on a wall clothing display area. See picture. It made me laugh to think, maybe some parents really have such a tough time with their kids when shopping and perhaps mostly with boys that they brought along a whole of box of tissues. I am sure that is not the case. It's possible it's hell to work for Kohl's and the employees are randomly finding a corner of the store to go cry. Poor things.

I don't have a really tough time with getting my son to try on clothes. Although he's an Aspie he really cooperates when I ask him to try things on. He tried on 1 shirt and 3 pairs of pants for me. One pair was too short, the other a bit bit long and the ones he said he thought he would not like, he liked and wanted. Luckily these pants were all on sale but we only got two pair. The shirt was $6.00, one pair of pants was $7.49 and the other $10.00... so I did not do too bad. I also let him pick out cute pair of sunglasses ($5.00). He looks like a such a little man.

I think that with like many other things, if I mentally prepare my son for what he has to do, he'll do it. I told him at the start of the day that I had a coupon for 15% off at Kohl's and that I needed to get him 2 pair of pants. I made sure he knew he had to try on at least 4 pair to find two good ones that I'd end up buying. I grabbed the pants and shirt and sent him into the dressing room. I waited outside and he came out and showed me how each item fit. It's cute because he smiles with every item he shows me and tells me if he likes it or not. He did like the pants that were too short but we could not find them in his size.

I like to call this my EGO method. E = Expectation, set the expectation, I want you to try on or do a specific thing; G = Goal, explain the goal, the expectation will help reach a goal; O = Opportunity, leave open the opportunity for him to set his own goals or express his likes or dislikes. I think that this gives him a bit of autonomy in the decision to have to shop and taking the time out away from his favorite activities and routine. We don't shop for clothes very often so letting him pick out the sunglasses without my input gives him some control and also makes him aware of his outward appearance.

The trick is to make it quick. The longer it takes the more likely you'll need tissues. More for yourself rather than for the child.

However, the down side of having to verbalize what you are going to do to mentally prepare your child is exhausting. I noticed when my son is with his dad I am considerably less tired than when he is home and I have to talk us through everything.

At work I often find myself talking through things like this and I wonder if my co-workers find it annoying.

Dogs and Some People

2011-03-21T09:39:00.002-05:00

Not long ago I got chased by a pitbull at work. I work in a quasi residential area where employees are sometimes housed on our residential property. They are not supposed to have pets on our property whether other residential neighbors have them or not. One such employee has two. A pitbull and another fluffy yappy dog. Annoying.

We did not have a clue this person had dogs. The day I got chased by the pitbull I was returning from another area at work. I was driving since our buildings are spread out across several blocks. I pulled up and sat in my car briefly noticed a dog bark at our security truck. I really thought nothing of it and I had my window down as did the guy in our security truck so I figured he’d say something if the situation was dangerous. I was too much in my own thoughts to think more of it. I have never been afraid of big dogs. We always had big dogs growing up. The last was a German Shepherd and he was a big dumb marmaduke of a dog. A neighbor once returned him to us; found him cornered in an alley by a cat. Stupid dog.

I got out of my car. Closed the door and started to walk to my building’s back entrance. The security guard then speaks. “You better get out of here!” Really I think, now you say something. I first trot across the gravel parking lot and then realize “oh hell, he’s after me!” The dog was in full charge, growling, muscles flexing in chest, fleshy curled up dog face revealing sharp canines, naturally I screamed, he was just feet from me.

I get to the handicap accessible ramp leading to the back door, we don’t have steps, and realize I better run faster. I, in my favorite Tahari peep toe pumps, put it on full sprint up the ramp. I scream again and hope the door is not locked! Just then my co-worker pulls the door open as I grab the door knob to get in. He practically yanks me in and we both slam the door just about on the pitbull’s head.

All I could do was laugh. My heart was racing and I almost got mauled and I was laughing. My reaction even surprised me. Maybe it was the ridiculousness of the situation that I was not safe at work.

Moments later a residential neighbor walking to his home was actually attacked by said dog and bitten all over his thighs and lower legs. Our security guards aren’t armed so he could not shoot the dog, all he could do was try to get the young man to climb into his truck when the dog was between bites.

The stupid dog owner had NO documentation on the dog’s shots so the young man had to get rabies shots and stay at the hospital at least a few days. The SPCA took the dog for the night but then returned it to the owner. Really? WTH?

My big question is why? Why was the dog loose and why was she not home? She finally showed up around the same time the police showed up. They had their weapons out and pointing them in the general area where the dog ran off but she showed up and got him inside.

It’s the law to keep your dog on a leash but it seems the consequences are so minute that it does not matter. They did not put her dog down and she still has her job. I have a big problem with that.

My mom was telling me last night that she called the police on a neighbor regarding his dogs. His dogs were pooping all over her front lawn because he just lets them loose and goes back inside and he has a backyard. When the police showed up he told the police in his broken English, that he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted because he was in the United States. Is that what we stand for now… do what the hell you like no matter whose rights you infringe upon in the process because you are more free than the rest of us? Can I at least get in and out of my car safely? I am still afraid to walk in the neighborhood which is not too far from where I work for fear I might have another encounter with an unleashed dog.

Noise

2011-03-20T07:57:00.001-05:00

Weekend mornings like today I relish. I like that warmer morning feel. I can feel the coolness of the morning but it is more inviting because I don't feel like sleeping it makes me want to sit somewhere and just be alone with my thoughts.

So when I had to get up and use the toilet, I was annoyed that I'd have to open a new package of toilet paper and make a bunch of noise.

It is so hard to wake up my son on the weekdays. I literally have to ask him a half dozen times to get up and get dressed. Granted he has to get up at 5:30 in the morning so we can make it to his bus stop on time but on the weekends, he'll wake up around the time I do sometimes, between 7:00AM to 8:30AM, without a problem (unless I ask him to do something). I enjoy the cuddle time, don't get me wrong, but I really sometimes just want to get up and read, write, watch something on TV I want to enjoy without him saying it's boring, or just sit still and enjoy the morning.

The noise of the toilet paper was like the crashing of China in a library ... I was like "Geeezo Petes ... really?!" I hate how noisy everything sounds when you are trying to be careful or quiet. He rolled around the bed and I thought "please please please ... sleep just another hour!!" My son sleeps on my bed and from my bathroom I could see him (I know he's kind of old to sleep with me... but that's a blog for another day).

As soon as I could I grabbed a pillow and put it next to him. This usually makes him feel like it's me next to him and he crowds me as soon as he thinks I am moving around on the bed, as if he's trying to keep me from getting up or realizes I am moving away from him. Sleeping in my bed is a rather challening dilemma... let me tell you!

Anyways, my son is not the kind of child that wakes up to every little sound, he really never was. I am now running the washing machine and he's still zonked out. I just know that as soon as I make up my mind to get up and workout, read, write or something that requires me to stay on task, he is no sooner up and ready to ask for ten millions things or want me to cuddle with him on the couch.

Oh well, it's good to be wanted and have a cute little cuddle bug to snuggle with ... I should not complain because he'll soon outgrow the cuddling phase and soon tell me I annoy him. LOL

Home Alone

2011-03-19T10:53:00.002-05:00

The Fedex delivery guy scared me so badly the other day. I never, ever leave my front door unlocked so when I heard the door and it sounded like it was opening, I just about felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. He was only leaving a package between the screen door and my actually locked door but from where I was sitting, it sounded like the door was opening.

I both hate and like that feeling like you are about to panic but then the adrenaline kicks in and it’s like you are on a roller coaster. I think sometimes I am an adrenaline junkie because I really want to try skydiving but then I think, crap, with my luck the chute won’t open and I will go splat on the concrete below or dirt – depending on where my lifeless or flailing body drifts to in the air.

I really did think for one brief second that it was just my dryer making funny noises after it cooled down but when the sound continued, I was thinking okay, I am going to have to get up off the couch and body slam whomever comes through that door like I am a linebacker. Or I could have just run to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and waited to shank him as he got through the door.

All those wild self-preservation daydreams aside, I really need to consider getting a taser. I would get a gun but the statistics on that usually show that most people don’t have the guts to shoot someone else even if it means saving their own life. A taser, at least, suggests you are compassionate enough to give your assailant a chance to live but not without a show first.

I leave my condo well before daybreak and sometimes get in well after dark. Though I’ve always been safe in my neighborhood, I do realize that is a false sense of security. So I am probably going shopping for some sort of self-defense class or a taser soon. However, I do have the added benefit of really paying attention at my son's dojo sessions three times a week so I have an idea of how to whoop some butt.